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9/22/2005

What this book pre-supposes is that Edna survives her attempted suicide at the end of The Awakening. Instead of drowning in the ocean, she is rescued at the last minute by a pack of dolphins.

Grateful, Edna swims off to live with the dolphins. At first, she's really enjoying all the fish and the ball balancing. But one day, a chauvinist dolphin asks her to lay out his pajamas and tend to the children.

Fed up, Edna walks back out of the ocean and buries her head in the sand. Her story continues in The Awakening Saga: Edna and the Hermit Crabs.
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9/21/2005

This is my crime show ... Fuck That Shit: Seattle

In it, I play what they call a "crime scene" "investigator". But, I'm not one for nasty shit like bones or when dead people poop themselves. I am, however, pretty good at diagnosing when something is shit and when we should just say, "Fuck it".

But, seriously ... if you ever find a dead body, don't ask me to go look at it with you. I will be so pissed, man.

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9/15/2005

The other night I bought da 2nd seazon of Ali G and Serpico on DVD. I was appalled-APPALLED- to see that in this post-9/11 world people are still- STILL- putting DVDs out in full screen format.

This means there are people out there who still get annoyed by "the black bars".

I once tried to teach some of the farming community members of my family that "the black bars" actually allowed you to see the movie as it was meant to be seen. I could see the eyes start to glazin' as I explained "ratios" and "directors". So, I had to change the topic to hogs.

"Hogs t'ain't got the black bars."

"No. No, they don't."

"Let's just watch the hogs."

So, here are a couple of graphics that show you what you lose when you go from widescreen (top) to full screen (bottom).
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9/14/2005

My God, look at how handsome this child is! And so calm too.

R. Girl and I have been babysitting Will these past couple of weekends. He just stares at us with those eyes, gets bored, falls asleep and then (PRECIOUS!) laughs in his sleep.

Actually, R. Girl has been doing most of the "sitting" part. I just kind of wander into his field of vision now and again to announce "You's a baby. A baaaabeeee! Who has a nose? Youuuu have a noooose!".

He never seems as impressed with his nose as I am.
One day this kid will make Jennifer Aniston cry.

Until then, Will says "Peace, 1000 G's" to all the playas out there.
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9/13/2005

Last night, grocery shopping. Produce section.

I'm pushing my cart along, trying to figure out the difference between an English cucumber and a regular one. "Don't ask, you'll look stupid. Just assume they're all grown by men in little hats," I think.

All of a sudden!

There are these two small kids running around me. I'm dodging them. Then some kid barely big enough to push a cart is pushing a cart right towards me. I dodge right, she goes with me. I go left, she follows. All the while I still have these kids running perilously close to my ass area. So, I'm bobbing and weaving down below while up top I'm pushing a cart this way and that.

The whole situation is just out of control! Now is the time for action. Or the time to just yell out something completely inappropriate.

"Jesus CHRIST! It's the fucking Armageddon over here!"

The produce section becomes very quiet. R. Girl runs up and pushes me along as the kids have now decided to get away from the big guy screaming about the Armageddon.

"Man, did I say that loud?"

"What do you think? Everyone's looking at you now because you're screaming at children about the end of the world."

"You weren't there. Shit was getting rough for a minute."
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9/10/2005


To celebrate my job success, R. Girl offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go for dinner.

I racked my brain good, 'cause a special meal makes for a special day. My final decision was this ..

-A giant sandwich from Safeway.
-A bottle of Vodka.
-Eating while watching T.V.

Doesn't that sound better than Applebee's?

So, after the sandwich was chewed and the vodka was spent and R. Girl had passed out ... an idea popped into my head.

"Hey, hey! You need to do a picture of you shaking hands with the World! That'd be awesome!
AWESOOOOOOOOOOME!"

"You're right," I said.

So, there you have it. I woke up this morning, looked at it and thought, "What the hell?".
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9/09/2005

I GOT A NEW JOB! I GOT A NEW JOB!

I GET TO USE MY DEGREE!

GOODBYE, RUBBERHEAD FACTORY!

I am gonna get out
Of this rubber-headed land.
I should have run away long ago
But the benefits were too good, man.

You know you couldn't hold me forever,
Crumble Cheeks and Wig Wolf, too.
I'm not a caveman with a head of rubber.
This boy's too learned to be stuck here with yoooooou.

So, goodbye, Rubberhead factory,
Where the brains of society rot.
You can't keep wearing me down
With your e-mails about paper towels and what-not.

Off to a future of thinking
.
And using your brain before you speak.
Oh, I've finally decided my future lies
Beyond the Rubberhead Fac-toryyyyyyyyy.
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Say, who's that freshly hair-cutted guy who likes his politics leaning left and his lady tinting red? That's me.

A website put my picture on the internet. I'm immortal.
------
The other day, walking by a fountain ...

R. Girl: (pulling her hand out of the pool surrounding the fountain) Hey, that water's pretty warm. Warmer than expected.

Me: Hmmmm. Like you want to cook some broccoli in it?

R. Girl: What? I don't know what that mean-

Me: Yes ... Look, I need to ask you something.

R. Girl: O.K.

Me: What if instead of answering your question about the broccoli statement, I crossed my hands over my chest like so ... and then just floated off really slowly and landed on that rooftop over there? And then I just stared at you as you walked by.

R. Girl: That - that'd be creepy. I'd probably ignore you.

Me: Oh, but you couldn't ignore me. I'd float from rooftop to rooftop. Staring at you.

R. Girl: What's the point of these questions?

Me: To prepare you!

R. Girl: What?

Me: Hey, the hurricane showed us you gotta be prepared.

R. Girl: Prepared for -

Me: Ooo, what if I floated down and landed on that flight of stairs as you passed under ... LIKE YOU'RE DOING RIGHT NOW!
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9/02/2005

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9/01/2005

History, doing what it does.

And to those of you who read this site on a regular basis for my testicle jokes and stories of the neanderthals I know ... I appologize if I've been a lil' too political lately. It's just ... it's just ... the man went golfing after the worst storm in our nation's history had destroyed a city!

And then he pretended to be a rockstar - AAAARRRGGHHH - and he wants you to believe that man appeared like a magic trick in a garden 5,000 years ago and thugs have the audacity to attack the mother of a dead Marine and nobody seems to be standing up and saying "LIAR!"...

You know, it's about time for the levee of public anguish to break.
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In decent news... Eva, this guy got engaged finally.
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