In every sales office there's a guy with a poster of a Ferrari. Billy Ginsby is that guy.
Last night R. Girl and I were returning from working out ....

"I like to do the bench press first, it really opens up my ..."

"Excuse me. Y'all don't happen to have a wire hanger do you?" asks a neighbor lady standing in the parking lot right outside our apartment.

"Um, maybe," we say "You locked out of your car?"

"Yes, and no one will help me .... BECAUSE MY BOYFRIEND IS A DICK!!!!" she screams at the open window above and catty-corner to our place.

I'd heard this couple argue before. Last time it was over a spider. ("Why can't you be a fucking MAN and get the goddamn SPIDER?!!!?") But, this was my first time meeting them.

"Yeah, we'll go check on that wire hanger."

Once we get inside things heat up outside.

"FUCKITT! I'm hitting the damn window with this hammer!"


"Holy shit! She's trying to break the window!" I say. And she was. Right outside our bedroom window she was swinging at her window with her proverbial hammer.


"Where's a hanger? WHERE'S A WIRE HANGER?" I ask R. Girl.


"Calm down," says R. Girl.

"She's going to


send glass flying all over


our cars!"

We find some wire. As the man, I'm expected to know how to break into the car with the wire hanger. And as a proud man, I have no choice but to stand around and act like I do. So, I shove the wire between the window pane like they do in movies. Then I start jiggling it ... like they do in movies.

"Yeah, man," says the increasingly loud neighbor lady, "We got to move out because my boyfriend gonna go to California and my son and I ... Say how much you pay in rent? I ain't got a place to go to and I got my son and damn it all I'll just smash this fucking window I don't care about - Aw, shit, it's the cops."

Sure enough, two police officers are walking towards us.

One says, "We have a report of a drunk girl trying to break into a car."

For the first time I stop and realize that maybe she isn't a damsel in distress. I turn to her with the wire still in my hand and shoved down her door and calmly ask ...

"Wait a minute ... is this your car?"

"Yeah, its' my car, it's just my boyfriend ain't got the sense to-"

"See? See? See what happens when you drink," says the boyfriend who's decided to stand on his balcony and yell. "I gotta call the cops on you. I gotta call the cops on you!"

And as quickly as it takes me to realize I'm one camera away from being in an episode of COPS I've dropped the wire hanger, excused myself from the officers and run inside.

A minute later, R. Girl comes back into the apartment. We hide in our room and peek out the curtains at the lady and the cops.

"Hold on," I say "Did you tell me to calm down? How am I supposed to calm down when a crazy lady is smashing up cars right outside our apartment?"

"I don't know," she says "You just do."
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