When I was a teen some bad guy tried to break into our house. Luckily, a cop saw him.

The next day, a police officer came by and told us about what had happened.

My Dad flipped. He was to be damned if anyone was going to get their hands on his VCR or Bombay Company accessories.

So we installed a security alarm. It worked really well at keeping me in the house after 7 p.m. and letting us know with loud bleeps if any wind blew between the cracks of our windows.

Then Dad bought a handgun. And then another one. You do have two hands, you know?

One day my Dad asked me if I wanted to shoot his handgun. I don't think I'd ever wanted to not do something more in my life.

"Thanks, Dad. I'm cool."

To this day, I still have never fired a handgun. Never seen a reason to. Probably never will.

I do keep a Louisville Slugger next to my nightstand. Not for protection, but because I like to recreate the final scene of "The Natural" before I go to bed.

"I'll get the lights, babe."

SWING! CRASH! (round the bed) "Good night."
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