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4/29/2005


As best I could figure, she's yelling "BAD DOG!". Man all me, that last panel could give hope to a crippled man lost in the desert.

"What's with you and Helen Hunt?" is quickly catching up to "Do you really have a mustache?" as the top question asked of me. The later will be answered for you on Monday. I think.


Wednesday night.....

"Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

Minutes pass.

"Babe?" I ask.

"Hmm.." R. Girl replies.

"What if you woke up in the middle of the night and I was gone, and you just heard this voice saying (speaking in low and breathy voice) 'Wake up, child. Wake up and face meeeee.'? Would that be creepy?"

"Brent!"

"'Look into my eyyyyes. I - I am reaching for yooooou.'"

"Stop!"

As I drifted into Dreamland I thought to myself, "I probably could have done without that conversation."
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4/28/2005


If I was a director my trademark would be out-of-focus close up shots of astonished actors, followed by them turning into skeletons and then exploding.

Oscar Schindler: This ring. This ring! This could have gotten one more person.
(Zoom in on Oscar's face. Camera goes out of focus.)

(Cut back to reveal Oscar's skeleton. Explosion.)

The other day in my office ...

The delivery guy from Staples: Nice day out there.

Me: That's what I hear.

Staples: You know what it's like ... It's like in physics class when you learn that if you pour gasoline on your can of beer it gets colder quicker.

Me: O.K.

Staples: So, if you want cold beer, put your cans in gasoline.

Me: But, then you have gasoline on your beer.

Staples: What do you mean?


What do I mean? Man, you're the one who started this odd conversational tangent.

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4/27/2005


But what happend to Helen Hunt?
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4/26/2005


I wouldn't expect the 200th VSP until next week and I'm a pretty good source of information when it comes to projects I'm avoiding. I have to do a whole thing with a digital camera and some firearms and I suspect it will be time consuming when I finally get around to it.

In the meantime, Helen Hunt.
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4/25/2005


My neighbor let me borrow his Playstation 2 and Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas this weekend.

This means I a.) spaced on doing the 200th Violent Stick People and b.) launched a motorcycle through the sternum of a gang member holding an Uzi on me. I will get right on that comic ... as soon as I figure out a way to stop the Russian mafia from joining forces with my rival gang.

On a personal note, I am sad to say that my flip phone cell thing broke in half and I lost all of my contact numbers. If I know you well enough to have given you my cellphone number please call me. We don't have to talk, you can just call me, say "Dad" and hang up. Caller ID will take care of the rest.

Right now, the phonebook on my new cell consists of R. Girl, my mechanic and the KEXP D.J. line. My mechanic is sick of hearing how my day went.

__________
Top 3 songs lately?
3.) The Jimi Hendrix Experience's "Bold As Love"
2.) Hot Hot Heat's "Goodnight Goodnight"
1.) Spacehog's "In the Meantime"
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4/22/2005


Actually, I listen very closely to her as I shoot zombies. But, sometimes the sounds overlap in my brain and I get confused.

"What? One of the kids at work found the Soul Cube?"

2nd Panel Trivia: The marshmallows are named "Fat Suzanne Puffs".

Speaking-Of-The-Name-Suzanne-And-Girlfriends Trivia: In junior high I "went out" with a girl named Suzanne for about a week. Why just a week? Because I kept calling her Susan. She didn't appreciate me not taking the time to learn her name. It's cool, though, I was just in it for first dibs on her unwanted dessert items at lunch.

It's so nice in Seattle, it makes me wish I was a nudist in an uninhabited world. Have a good weekend.

On Monday you find out if I really have a mustache.

Violent Stick People
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4/21/2005


On Paper Towel Tuesday ... I was standing in my office. Just standing. Trying to look like I'm really contemplating the wall. My iPod earphones were in. No music playing. Just a conversation diversion tactic I like to use.

But, it didn't stop this conversation...

A guy walks into my office. He's wearing a green striped shirt, white slacks and a blue canvas belt with large white flowers on it.

He's got the goatee necessary of all creeps. And the long hair. And the dead stare.

And dead stare he did.

He stood by me. He stared at me. He didn't speak for like 20 seconds. Maybe it was because of my pretend iPodding manuveur. Maybe he was imagining the taste of my ribs.

Finally the creepiness had reached red.

"Can I help you?"

"Hey, man, I represent the Autumn Company. We've got lots of corporate art that we are trying to offload. We got it all. Like stuff you got around here or-"

"You're going to need to go over to building services. I don't buy art for the building."

"Man, you can buy it for your own personal use. We won't stop you. Maybe keep a little stash of Thomas Kinkade's at your place."

At this point I had to ask myself, "Wait, did he say he's selling art or crank? Because I'm hearing art, but he's selling it like crank."

"You know, man, if you mainline the art, it gets you higher."

_________

Pssst.... I used to live here.
My favorite quote of the story is "The woman ought to not be around the man."
Yippee, Columbia, South Carolina! Just before I moved away from you I saw a man slamming his girlfriend in a car door! But you got your Southern pride and your rebel cocks!

Oohhhhhhhhh! Way down south in the land of Dixie
A man ain't a man unless he beats his chicks, see!

Run away! Run away! Run away from Dixie Land!


Violent Stick People
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4/20/2005


This would be one of those scenes where the ol' stuffy nun stands around and claps her hands while everyone boogies. Then, out of nowhere, she's doing the Roger Rabbit and everyone's like "What? That Nun can dance?". And at the end she says something like, "Who do you think taught MC Hammer how to pray?".

And?

Reason 4 Billion of why I have to find a new job....

From: Crumble Cheeks

Sent: Tuesday, April 19, 2005 10:26 AM

To: People

Subject: Supplies or whatever kitchen/hygiene supplies we order from,

Importance: High

Let's keep the communication going as before. Any supplies … when it comes to the executive kitchen, including out on the floor i.e. lunchroom, I need to know. (We) were discussing about the lack of paper towels in here and I called (People). I talked with Brent and found out that there is an order coming today.. WOW - we were ready to go out and get some supplies.

It's crazy here. Don't need it any crazier...

___________________________________

From: Me

Sent: Tuesday, April 19, 2005 10:29 AM

To: People

Subject: Supplies or whatever kitchen/hygiene supplies we order from,

Crumble Cheeks, the issue has been resolved. The paper towels will be here today.

... this is not an issue of high priority. That is why you did not receive an email letting you know that I had ordered paper towels.

In the future I will make sure to let you know.

Thanks,
Me

_____________________________________________

From: Crumble Cheeks

Sent: Tuesday, April 19, 2005 10:42 AM

To: Kinkade, Brent

Cc: My Boss

Subject: Supplies or whatever kitchen/hygiene supplies we order from,

It's a big issue when we hear complaints... Especially when it comes to hygiene!

________________________

From: My Boss

Sent: Tuesday, April 19, 2005 10:51 AM

To: Me, Crumble Cheeks

Subject: Supplies or whatever kitchen/hygiene supplies we order from,

Spoke w/ Brent about this yesterday…. my direction to Brent is that notification does not need to go to Crumble Cheeks or another point of contact informing them of order status…

_____________________________________________

From: Crumble Cheeks

Sent: Tuesday, April 19, 2005 10:58 AM

To: Me

Subject: Supplies or whatever kitchen/hygiene supplies we order from,


good lord, this is what I mean. People make bigger issues than necessary. It's just nice to be in the know ….
(Me:What?!?! YOU came to ME about "crazy" and "high importance" hygiene issues! )

_____________________________________________

From: Kinkade, Brent

Sent: Tuesday, April 19, 2005 3:37 PM

To: Crumble Cheeks

Subject: Paper Towels

Paper towels are here.

_____________________________________________

From: Crumble Cheeks

Sent: Tuesday, April 19, 2005 3:46 PM

That's alright, we went and bought some!


Fuck my arm.
Violent Stick People
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4/19/2005


The Nun on Rapture Party would be played by Shelly Long. We would not get along.

Speaking of religion and insanity.
I think what the world needs is a break from religious rhetoric and debate. Terry "Hang In There" Schiavo, then the Pope, now the New Pope and an NBC miniseries (I like that there is an ad for "Will & Grace" next to the hooey about the Signs of Endtimes).

We need a sex scandal or an escaped elephant running down an interstate to clear our national conscience.

In related news, Bjork has been trying to enter my life.

This morning I heard a Bjork song for the first time in many years. This also marked the 4th time I have read about or heard about or been witnessed to about Bjork in less than a month.

Is this a sign?

Am I ready to welcome Bjork into my life? Will I allow Bjork to be my musical Icelandic savior?

---------
Still time to send in your vote for who should be in the 200th VSP.
Violent Stick People
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4/15/2005


Let's hope Phantom gets his stuff together in time to stop Charlie Africa's profit deal. Unless you too enjoy getting paid. Then up with profits!

This morning I heard a shouting behind me.

"Brent! Brent! Can you help me? I need a big one! I need a big red one!"

Man, I hope nobody thinks I work in the dong trade.

I turn around. It's Crumble Cheeks. She's holding a red marker. A small red marker.

"I have never been happier to see a woman holding a small red marker."

---------
Thanks to everyone who has sent in suggestions for the 200th Violent Stick People.

Have you? Send them to violentstickpeople@gmail.com and remember to vote for which recurring character you want to see in it.

Who's winning so far? You'd shit yourself if you knew.

Violent Stick People
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4/14/2005


A plot twist!
Violent Stick People
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4/13/2005


From the makers of the "I Heart J.C." key, here's the "B-Dog's My Boo" garage door opener.

(Maybe it's just me, but I think it's a little irreverent to call Jesus "J.C." and mass product him like a boy band member. "J.C. is so hotter than Justin Timberlake. Plus the walking on water thing? Heartthrob!")

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Jeez Oh Pete, my arms are hurting. I looked like Jewel the Gimp from "Deadwood" trying to put on a shirt this morning.

Yes, yes, I went against all known medical advice and lifted weights again last night. Screw a day off for recovery. I'm going for the shock and awe technique on my arms.

And now ...

The 200th Violent Stick People cartoon is fast approaching. As we did for the 100th, I'd like to hear your ideas for it.

Send me an e-mail at violentstickpeople@gmail.com

The idea can be something as complex as "A man tries meth for the first time. He enjoys it!" or something simple like "Batgirl".

But!

One of the recurring characters will be in the strip. But who? You, the reader, will decide that.

Be it Hamburgarr, Dr. Mustache, Weepy Skeleton or Batman, when you send me an e-mail send me your vote.

-----
Hey! It's another dude I know. Great day in the day!

And! Another one! This guy was my college roommate and Phi Kappa Nasty co-host.

Everybody looks so happy on the internet. But both of these people have said curse words to me.

Violent Stick People
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4/12/2005


A t-shirt that said "My Horse is Important to Me" would sell well with the type of people who live for the county fair.

"Lord, I hope that Clover Patch is all in her prime when the fair comes around. No horse with a limp has got a chance against them city judges."

I started re-lifting weights last night. I woke up at 5:00 with unusable arms. They functioned like midget arms while I buttoned my shirt or brushed my teeth. Only moving in one direction, little strength in each movement.

"Up. Up. Left. Up. Grab button. Hold button. Right. Right. Down. Fuck! Left. Left. Grab button."

---
Hey! I know this dude. Finding pictures of old friends on the internet is almost as much fun as finding pictures of strangers putting things in themselves.
Violent Stick People
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4/11/2005


During one of my Brent-Meets-World summers of puberty I read the "Phantom" comic everyday.

I think the storyline was "The Phantom Decides On Lunch". By August he had whittled down the list to a reuben or "just skipping it and having a big dinner".

Man, if I was raised on Dick Tracy, The Phantom and Captain Marvel I would have checked out at 14.

"I have to wait a week to see if Dick Tracy finds his hat? Self-induced persistent vegetative state! Wake me when the Beatles get here."

I've tried since then to recreate the magical summer of '92, but it just isn't the same. Phantom's storylines are chronically "almost interesting".

"The Phantom is looking for a statue for a nice old lady, huh? I think I'm going to pass this one up. But his horse meets an Indian, you say? Like a peyote-bent warrior? Just an Indian? An Indian named 'Talks With Friends'. Yeah, that's just not my thing."
Violent Stick People
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4/08/2005


Before anything else ....Jeffrey Rowland of Overcompensating metioned this. I am crying tears of pride and laughter.

And now ..

I'm curious about something. How many of you guys have taken a women's studies course?

I took a couple "Women & Minority in Media" classes in college. And let me tell you something, penis owners, a real man knows about wage disparity. A straight-up dude understands body image issues.

True, my original intents in signing up for a WOST class were not as noble as they come. At first it was part of "The Trifecta" for meeting girls.

Part one of The Trifecta: I'd been working out. This was the summer before my junior year and I was lifting weights. My triceps were scary. My biceps? Arm Gods.

Part two of The Trifecta: I had just started doing my D.J. thing on the campus radio station. This was back when The Strokes were still underground. I brought all that Deltron flava hot off the press. I was The Incredible Hulk in ear goggles.

Part three of The Trifecta: I signed up for a women's studies course. It proved that I want to know more about what's in a woman's head.

But in the end, The Trifecta was an all around failure. Part one should have been "Regular haircuts", part two should have been "Actually go out and meet people" and it might have been a good idea to throw in "But, do not go out in public while you are drunk and bleeding".

What did come about, though, was me gaining girl knowledge.

I was one of three dudes in a class of 100. The old joke is that women are hard to understand. Not true. When you have 97 girls breathing down your neck, you learn fast.

And it did make me less of a beast, more of a gentleman ... and, happy to say, one hell of a boyfriend today.

------
And today's Phantom might be the greatest comic ever drawn.
Violent Stick People
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4/07/2005


Despite his history of headbutting and kidnapping, Bud Grizzly is a staunch feminist.

I've been listening to Billy Idol and Joe Walsh as I drew this. It really helps me get into the mind of Bud Grizzly.

I would have been listening to my Styx: Greatest Hits album, except ....

IT'S THE "STYX: GREATEST HITS" ALBUM STORY TIME!

Before I moved out to the Pacific Northwest from the Septic Southeast, I took great care to make sure I just so happened to walk off with my roommates "Styx: Greatest Hits" album. Halfway to Seattle I would "realize" I had "accidentally" taken it. Oops.

The plan was perfect.

"So, who gets these Ginger Lynn DVDs?"

"Oh, I don't know. Why don't we take these tranquilizers and think about it."

"OK"

So, I made off with it like a thief in the night. Fast forward two months.

I'm visiting Kyle at Microsoft HQ.

"So, this is the division that invented pixels."

"Wow. Hey, wait ... That's my Styx C.D.!"

And it was. And it was nailed to a door. Shattered. Broken. My heart as well.

"What the hell is my Styx C.D. doing nailed to a door at Microsoft headquarters?!?"

"Um, yeah. I borrowed it and then my boss didn't like it. So, he nailed it to his door."

"What?!? You mean to tell me that a major world corporation is responsible for destroying my Styx album?"

"Yep."

It was an outrage of Orwellian proportions. And I could do nothing but sit back and take it.

"We own you," someone whispered in my ear.

----
Check out my throwback Mariner's cap. I have one like it that I'm going to wear this weekend when I go see the M's play the Rangers. The tickets were a surprise gift from R. Girl.
Violent Stick People
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4/05/2005


Bud Grizzly hid in that tree for 2 days. Other deer passed, but THIS was his deer. He named it Chevy.

It's time for a "The Other Day" story.

The other day I went for my state-mandated emissions test. This is necessary, you non-Washitonians, if you want a sticker that says "06" on it. To read more about this click here.

To read about the short man who conducted my test, place eyes here and follow to =============> here. Repeat.

I pulled into the parking lot of the Emission Testing Place. A short man waved me into his line. As there were no cars in his line, I was excited.

"Great balls of nuts!"

"Sir, please put your car in park."
I did. He then proceeded to check my gas tank for a leak.

"Sir, do not forget that this weekend we set our clocks forward an hour."

"Oh, I know. Did I pass?"

"You did not not pass."

"Ha ha."

"That, sir, was a double negative. It means you did pass."

"Um, yes."

You know how sometimes in life you meet a mechanic or a plumber who just knows everything? Not just everything about plumbing or mechanicry. No, they know Jeopardy everything and you'll sit and listen to them talk about indians or boats while they wrench away.

This guy was not that kind of guy.

This guy liked to talk authoritively of things we all learned in the third grade. "Two negatives make a positive. Not not is good". "Clocks go forward once a year and back once".

"Are you aware that this state was named after George Washington?"

"Give me my inspection report!"

"Inspection starts with an I. Did you know that is a letter?"


----------
The curtain has fallen from in front of the Chimp's facade of being the "popular president".

Violent Stick People
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4/04/2005


It's going to be a very Bud Grizzly week.
Violent Stick People
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4/01/2005


Have you ever wanted to just completely blow an interview? I mean, take that interview, make it your woman and then completely refuse to pay for dinner.

I've fantasized about doing this more than a Playmate.

"Geez-um-craw, this job blows," I'll think. "I don't want to work Boring Albert here. I need to get out!"


The greatest "blow an interview" idea ever came from my brother Kyle.

"I'm sick of going to these pointless interviews," he explained. "I'm going to wear clown shoes to the next one. Whenever they ask me a question I'm only going to answer them with honks from one of those big clown horns. And at the end of the interview, when they ask me if I have anything to say or any questions, I'm going to shoot them a smile and yell, 'DOVES!'."

Kyle then planned to have doves fly out of his suit jacket sleeves. Just like a clown.

------------
In one of those rare moments of self-realization that come about every couple of years, I thought to myself, "Hey! That's right, I'm Catholic."

How quickly we forget the big things that make us up when we have a Best Buy credit card, unhindered access to beer and Google. Man, I wonder how my step-sister's doing.
Violent Stick People
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