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3/17/2005


Today's topics are drugs and the homeless.

One night in San Diego a man came up to me outside a bar. I had just been inside the bar, so I was a little Jack Danieled. The guy asked me for a couple quarters.

"For what?" I asked, having a journalism degree and all.

"I want to play that video game," he answered.

"OK. But I'm playing with you."

So, we played that Area 51 shooter game from the early 90's. We made a good team. Until I lost because I chose to shoot forklifts instead of the alien zombies.

"Shoot the alien zombies."

"Now, now. I feel the forklifts present a more immediate threat."

More quarters. More beers. Pass out. Wake up. Coffee. Water. Sun up. Sun down.

"Wait a minute ... I think I played video games with a hobo last night."

I made this revelation out-loud inside a public restroom. People just looked at me.

"Well, I did."

And now, my favorite story about drugs and neighbors ever.

In college I lived next door to a trio of security guards. They were ultra-tense and had many guns. This tension was increased when one of them decided that he would fight crime during the day and sell weed at night.

One day as I was watching Kids in the Hall ...

Knock-Knock

"Come in!"

"What's up, dude. I was just wondering if you maybe wanted to buy some bud or something."

"No, not really."

It was silent for a moment. Then he just kind of shrugged his shoulders.

"Well, then, do you just want to come over to my place and smoke some for free?"

"You know, you're a very bad drug dealer."

"I know."

Later in life, that guy would jump out of a second story window when a stripper's boyfriend came home to find him pants-less in his apartment.

Violent Stick People
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