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1/31/2005


Woke up. Fell out of bed. Dragged a comb across my head.
Found a ninja downstairs fighting a croc'.
Looking up I noted cookies were great.

Huh-huh-huh-huh.

Saved some kids and my Dodgers cap.
Made the bus in seconds flat.
Don't live upstairs and I hardly smoke.
Somebody spoke and I didn't listen to them.

P.S. Thanks to Everybody who has linked to this site or has spread the word.


Violent Stick People
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On my first day at the Rubberhead Factory, an old man wandered into my office to tell me about the cat he kept hearing in the ceiling.

He said that if I was quiet for a few minutes I would hear the cat. After that he wandered out of the building, never to be seen again.

Always one to rescue a cat and because I had all of my work done for the next year and a half I investigated. I sat quietly in the hallway for a few minutes.

Then I heard it.

The elevator squealed down the shaft and went 'ding'.

My cat was an OTIS.

I'm always falling into the trap of crazy-people ramblings. If I'm downtown and some crazy person is talking about "The whales gonna kill the man! The whales!" I have to stop and listen.

"This could be important," I tell myself.
Violent Stick People
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1/28/2005


Having this skill, along with an unmissable hook shot in basketball, would be too cool to describe in English.
Violent Stick People
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You had to keep your wits about you when you were a kid ... in MONSTERTOWN!

Update: My Tonka truck experiences were all pain free as a child.

Violent Stick People
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1/27/2005


Man, this makes me feel guilty for even mentioning opium ... a.k.a "The Devil's Magic Wand".
Violent Stick People
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About once every work week someone asks me to move something for them because they have been tripping over it.

Usually it's something big and obvious to anyone not walking around blindfolded or headless.


Violent Stick People
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1/26/2005


When an airplane flys overhead I like to run through people's yards and hop fences. Hopefully someone sees me and thinks, "Police chase!".
Violent Stick People
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With longing I look back to those short days not long ago.

It is now time for Brent Explains His Comics to His Little Brother Kyle:

First panel- I see some nerds at a grocery store.

Second panel - I ask my girlfriend (you have met her, she has red hair, remember?) how old she thinks the nerds are that we saw at the grocery store.

She answers. Her answer is that she guesses they are 16 or 17 years old.

Third panel - She continues to explain to me that she overheard their conversation, which was mainly about frozen pizza and Mountain Dew (you have had that before, it comes in a green can, remember?).

I imagine that the nerds like to dance around to "The Sidewinder Sleeps Tonight" by R.E.M. while they eat and drink.

Fourth panel - I gaze off into eternity. Hoping my words the wind will carry to those of precious youth, I remind the young that the days of pizza and soda are fleeting.

I'm the one wearing a hat.

Now, enjoy it, you great beast of blunder, you prince of what.
Violent Stick People
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1/24/2005

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1/21/2005


There ain't much to do in Heaven, so angels sit around and pine about how they wish they'd robbed a bank just once. Over the years they've come up with some pretty good ideas of how to get it done right.

Also, who wants a "Livestrong" braclet that says "Rob A Bank" instead?

Me and you.

Violent Stick People
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1/20/2005


I have an alarm clock that slowly says "Cheeerrrrry Coooooooke" in a soft, dignified tone.
Violent Stick People
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If you work in an office and you do something crazy, like use the last styrofoam cup, all the soccer moms think you are a crack smoker.
Violent Stick People
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1/19/2005


Just me and God. Straight goofin' around Heaven.

Also.
Headline from CNN.com: "Poll: Nation split on Bush as uniter or divider".

Wouldn't that make him a divider?

Violent Stick People
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It's true, Dilated Peoples, you know it!

(Fourth Panel Trivia: That's the first time I've ever mentioned my name in a comic.)
Violent Stick People
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1/18/2005


Lyrics from "Train in Vain (Stand by Me)".

In an apartment far, far away as my girlfriend and I laid on the couch days, days ago ...

"Hey, look. When I push the cat's ears down he looks like that thing from Star Wars," says R. Girl.

"Yoda?" I ponder.

"No, the brown one."

"Chewbacca? The big guy?"

"No, the little guy."

"An Ewok?"

"No, I know an Ewok. The other little thing."

"I think you mean Yoda."

"Wasn't he called a gremlin?"

"This conversation never happened."
Violent Stick People
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Will Doctor Mustache's surgery be successful?

Where did the bullets come from?

Why has the Doc not washed off that ink mustache?

Find out soon.
Violent Stick People
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1/15/2005


This ... this really happened.

Today as R. Girl and I left Target.

"Did you see the blood dripping from her scalp?" R. Girl said.

"What? I thought that was one of those Hindu things ... just way up there on her forehead," I retorted.

"That was blood."

"Wow. No wonder she kept saying she was tired. Poor girl was suffering from head trauma."

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To the lyrics of "Koka Kola".

(Fourth Panel Trivia: That's R. Girl dancing with me.)
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1/13/2005


Human man. Human man. I've told your kind before.
Human man. Human man. The best Bond's Roger Moore.
Violent Stick People
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Fast-forward "Method Man" by Method Man to the "I got fat bags of skunk" part.

I start dancing when Mef says "I got myself a forty."
Violent Stick People
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1/12/2005


After watching "Without a Paddle" last night I decided that I must start P.A.R.C.: People Against Rectal Cinema.

Join me in turning this crap around.
Violent Stick People
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Last night as I paid for dinner at the local Asian restaurant next to a sex store, our waitress offered R. Girl a lollipop.

"What flavor is that?" she asked.

"It's graaaaaape," said the Asian waitress next to a sex store.

"Can I have another flavor?"

"Sure, watermelon?"

"That'll match her cute little hair," I added.

"I can't wait for my lollipop," I thought to myself. "It's going to be root beer."

I wasn't offered one.

As we walked through the parking lot we looked at each other.

I said it first.

"I think she thought you were my daughter."

"I think so too."

"I totally should have frenched you."

But how can you shock a woman who sells teriyaki to new vibrator owners?

Update: After speaking with consultants, the topic-specific card idea will be on-hold for a little bit.

Violent Stick People
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1/11/2005


Math is the most violent of the three R's.
Violent Stick People
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Since yesterday, I've been thinking about starting up a company where I make topic-specific greeting cards.

Above are a few examples of what I'm rapping on about. Want a top-specific greeting card?

Topic: New

As someone who has been called Brian more than Brent his whole life I don't get very upset when people call me by the wrong name. So when one of the office guys started periodically calling me "Trent" I didn't even flinch.

But today I swear he called me "Train". Brent begat Trent who begat Train.
I think I might have to correct him before he starts calling me Metro Bus.

Maybe I'll send him a card that says "My Name Is Brent" next to a little picture of me pointing at myself.

Violent Stick People
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1/10/2005


A friend of ours fell off of one of those giant old-timey bicycles and shattered his elbow.

I used to think "How did people ride those without falling and shattering useful bones?".
I guess they didn't.

This weekend, R. Girl and I tried to find a card that would rightfully express our combination of heartfelt sympathy and amazement of his injury of the past.

Every "Get Well" card we looked at either said "From a Weeping Husband Looking Over His Wife's Catatonic Body" or "Jesus Has a Band-Aid For Your Ouchie".

There are no cards out there that say, "Man, that's insane how you hurt yourself!".

(Thanks to those of you who have bought a Violent Stick People book.)
Violent Stick People
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1/07/2005


I have toiled and I have bled, but I can now proudly announce that I have put together the first book of Violent Stick People cartoons.

It's 90 of the best and brightest of the VSP class.

Remember when Hamburgarr saved that hippy?
Now you can relive that historical moment without connecting to the internet.

At a $12 price that means you are spending a sum of money to have and hold these comics forever.

Plus! All comics are in their original graphic form, meaning that most look better than the horrible jpg form necessary for internet posting.

I worked hard on this and I thank you for buying eight.

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1/05/2005


I used to buy this "butter" because I hoped one time, just once, it would be gold.

"Could it be butter? Not today, lucky boy, it's gold!"

Plus, I like it when the products I buy try to have a conversation with me.

"Is this butter?" asks the margarine.

"Hmm, I'm not sure. I think it's margarine."

"What are you doing with your journalism degree eggs?" ask the eggs.

"Drawing stick figures. Talking to margarine."

(Last Panel Trivia: The word "fuck" has appeared three times in a V.S.P. cartoon, twice written into the name of a beverage and once in a giant explosion. It has never been "spoken".)

Violent Stick People
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1/04/2005


Don't miss the final episode of "Most People Agree That He's Likable".

Brent uses that crazy catch phrase and someone finds cigarettes.

Uh-oh!
Violent Stick People
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1/03/2005


On the next episode of "Most People Agree That He's Likable" someone's been spending a lot more time at the bowling alley ... and it's not Hank!
Violent Stick People
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On New Years, I won $70 at blackjack. How and why did I go against my usual principle of not handing over my money to Native American Peoples? A tale needs telling.

R. Rogers had taken out a hundered bucks to gamble at the penny slots.

Half an hour later she was down to $30. Pennies fall fast, too, my friends.

To defend my woman's honor and bank balance, I bellied up to the blackjack table.
"Ha! You can't beat the house," said Deals With Golden Hand.

"You tell the house that the carpenter's here. It's time for new shelves," I said.

"You know the house can't talk, right?"

"Can't talk like a fox! Now, let's play!"

Half an hour later I had won my babe's $70 back.

"And that's how heroes are born," I said as I walked away from the table ... and for the next three days.
Violent Stick People
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