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12/30/2004


My Top Five Things About This Past Year?

1.) De-Bacheloring and moving in with my snore-accepting girlfriend and subsequent cat.
2.) Surprise Eddie Vedder appearances.
3.) My new Adidas tennis shoes.
4.) Hearing "Hey-Ya" by Outkast every ten minutes until Modest Mouse's "Float On" took over as the Song Du Jour.
5.) Taking a nap in Ashland, Oregon under an old tree.

Other than that?
Goodbye, 2004, you bastard.
Violent Stick People
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12/29/2004


Look as CNN and Drudge cling to this comment from the U.N. about the U.S. being stingy. They can't let a world-wide disaster pass without finding some way for the world to be yet again attacking us. These neo-con hawkcocks are sounding whinier and whinier than the "whiny liberals" they so despise.

"They said we're stingy. They hate America. Boo-hoo, they gonna be meanies again. They stole Christmas from us. Boo-hoo."

$35 million for tsunami relief aid.
$40 million to put together the Presidential Inaugural Ball.

We're not stingy. We just have ball priorities.
Violent Stick People
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12/28/2004


There are two things I love, free refills and truck stops.

Nope, that's not true. I just said that to set up this story.
On a long trip to Mississippi to visit some dirt I pulled into a truck stop. I grabbed my required supplies ... travel bingo, jerky and soda.

As I waited in line there was a large trucker woman in front of me.
She was the type of woman that would make grizzlies cry from lack of muscle and hair by comparrison.

We struck up a conversation.
"What's it like to drive all over?"
"What's it like to be scared of me?"
"Do you like that song 'Truckin'?"
"Do you really like travel bingo?"

I noticed she was buying a book.
"Hmmm, I didn't know truckers could read," I said.
The entire truck stop fell silent.

What I had meant to say was, "I didn't know truckers could read ... WHILE DRIVING", but my brain decided it'd be fun to drop the last two words.
As I stared into the horror of the anger of the mama bear trucker I realized my mistake.

"OF COURSE TRUCKERS CAN READ!" she roared. "IT TAKES A LOT OF HARD WORK TO BE A TRUCKER!"

"I meant ... Oh, Jesus ... I ... Um ..."

But it was too late. She stormed off faster than a Kodiak after elk.


"I guess we can mark 'Literate Bear' off of travel bingo."
Violent Stick People
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12/27/2004


Blow that fucker into space.
Violent Stick People
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A story forgotten remembered:

Kyle and I decided to meet for lunch and iPod swapping mid-week last short week.
We stopped by the bank first.

"I'll just swing by the ATM," I said.

"I have to go into the bank," Kyle Kyled.

PIN.
Withdrawal.
From checking.
$20.
No more transactions.

"Oh, hi there."
I look over and see a Rubberhead stuck in the door of the bank.
It's not a rotating door.
It's not an algebra door.
Just a door.
Just a door with a Rubberhead stuck between the part that opens and the part that stays shut.

How'd they get out of the office?

"Oh, man. Let me get that for you."

I open the door for the stuck Rubberhead. They pop free.

"Thanks! You at the office?"

Can't. Answer. Question.

"Was that a ...."

"Dose of my life played out before you? Yes. Let's eat."

"Fucking taquitos, boyyyyy."
Violent Stick People
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The world is drug-free for Christmas.

Santa has a smoke.
Hamburgarr has a pickle.
Violent Stick People
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12/23/2004


And Merry Christmas to all you holiday-licous readers!

The mystery of my mustache being real or neither continues!
The mystery of why I am one-quarters dressed as Santa with a Hamburgarr t-shirt on is solved now....

I was asked to play Santa for some kids tomorrow.
This either means I'm getting older or fatter.
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With a name like Ricky Opium he was doomed to a life of heroin-laced candy canes.

(Cue up "Kashmir" by Zeppelin. Start it right as Santa Claus puts his last shell in his Chamber of Justice. Oooo, cliff-hangin' great!)
Violent Stick People
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12/22/2004


As with the finer things in life, it's best to read this comic while listening to "Sabotage" by the Beastie Boys.

Today's comic was brought to you by the greatest comic book ever ... excluding the one where the Batman audience voted for Robin to blow up.
It shall continue.
Violent Stick People
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12/21/2004


Two of America's most beloved crimefighters fighting crime together in America. In America at Christmas time.

Santa hasn't forgotten what they did to Sue the Polar Bear.
Hamburgarr is "D.A.R.E."ing to fight a "War on Drugs".

Teddy Bowtie had it coming.

What will happen next? Magic.

(Doesn't a Hamburgarr T-Shirt sound kickass? I know everyone on your Christmas list thinks it does.)
Violent Stick People
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That's right.
Violent Stick People
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12/20/2004


On the way into work this morning a hand came out of the driver's window of the car in front of me.
I'm sorry, it was a hook. A hook where a hand should be.
The person just held their hook pointed at the sky.

"Holy balls, are they trying to scare me? They are succeeding!"

The hook stayed raised.

"This is insanity!"

And then .... the car made a right hand turn. Their blinker bulb was out.

"Of all the people that should get those bulbs replaced quickly ... Hey! White Zombie! I am the chainsaw monster with things and things and claws and skeletons heads! Yeah! More human than Half Man! More human than Half Man!"
Violent Stick People
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If you aren't my father, I got an IPod for Christmas.
If you are my father, I haven't opened the presents you sent yet.

After uploading "Abbey Road" by The Beatles I had to admit something to myself. I know this is rock blasphemy, but doesn't it really seem that some of the Beatles songs were written on the way to the studio?
Violent Stick People
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12/17/2004


There is a place near me and R. Girls shackin'-up shack named the "Old Fishing Hole".
Sometimes as I drive by it I sighingly imagine or don't that I am sitting on the banks of that ol' fishing hole. I have a string tied to my toe, 'cause I can't afford no pole. My straw hat covers my face as I nap. My overalls are from The Gap.

Maybe I'll sneak out to the Ol' Fishin' Ho' tonight as R. Girl has to work the night shift.

R. Girl had to work from 6 a.m. until 10 p.m. yesterday thanks to a non-showing co-worker.
Then she had to wake up at 6 a.m. this morning for a day-long C.P.R. class.
Then at 6 tonight she has to go in until 6 in the morning tomorrow.
She told me all of this over the phone last night as a baby was burping in her arms.
"I'm sorry, babe. "

Last night my beer tasted like butter.

We all have our crosses to bear.
My cross is buttery.

Violent Stick People
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One of my little brothers pointed out that it has been almost 15 Violent Stick Peoples since somone has been murdered or bloodied. This ends now!
Violent Stick People
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12/16/2004


There is an old woman at my office who always comes up to me and rubs my back while she nods her head. It's almost like she thinks I've been secretly crying in the supplies closet. Or she thinks I have really hot shoulder blades.

(Last Panel Trivia: Weepy Skeleton really wanted the piggyback ride.)
Violent Stick People
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Want to try something fun?
Something that doesn't involve flying off of a NASCAR hero's roof?
Something that doesn't involve capitalizing six letters for one word?

Go up to one of your co-workers, a stranger or your bang-buddy and say this.
"What are you doing for Christmas? Wait, I mean ... the holidays."

I guarantee you THIS will be their response:
"I know, right? Jeez, what the butt hump, bang-buddy?"

People have become VERY angry that they have to say 'holiday' instead of 'Christmas'. They are nearly foaming at the mouths over this new attempt to involve everyone in the cheer of the season.
"They have stolen Christmas!" "They need to learn to accept US!"

Everybody take a deep breath. Take a deep holiday breath.

It's going to be O.K.
It doesn't hurt to have an open mind and acknowledge our Jewish, Agnostic, Atheist, Devil-Worshiping, Kwanza-fooling friends.

You don't get pissy when you have to capitalize SIX letters to spell NASCAR, but you all pull out your authentic Alamo bowie knives when you have to say one extra syllable.

Now, try it with me.

"Hello, dude, what are your plans for the hol-i-days?"

Did that hurt? Did Santa still visit you? Is the baby Jesus still historically the cutest wittle baby evah?
Violent Stick People
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12/15/2004


People are always asking me this.

Maybe I am, mayhaps I don't care.

You tell me. Here's me (as Husky Spiderman) and here's Thomas Kinkade (as Non-Green Lantern).

As legend has it, people with my particular spelling of last name (as opposed to the A-I-Ds and the C-A-D-Es) are descendents of horse thieves who were forced to leave the Old West one day after they were caught with some horses. Horses they STOLE!

As not to embarrass the non-thieving Kinkaids and Kincades, us horse haters agreed to change the spelling of our name. This way everyone would know we were horse thieves and rightly not to be messed with or left in front of non-tied down horses.

As legend continues to have it, those who carry the mark of the ADE are decedents of Adam, Eve and Bob the Horse Thief. This would make me and Thomas cousins in crime.

Is it true? Who knows. Could I do research to find out? Yep. Will I? No, but I will steal your horse.

(Last Panel Trivia: That is a t-shirt of a painting of Lincoln-Bot running from an exploding cottage.)
Violent Stick People
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I found this little gem of a song on one of my very old mix C.D.s, which contains pirated songs. Pirated songs that I didn't pay for as I was in the company of pirates. And then I wrote "The F.B.I. is full of bubblebutts" on my dorm room door.

(Last Panel Trivia: The judge is on a beach.)
Violent Stick People
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12/14/2004


Lincoln-bot would go to the moon when things got too crazy.
Violent Stick People
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This really happened to me in college. Well, except I didn't tell the guy to go check out a book. I think I just said, "Um, I'm passionate about ... hats?".
Violent Stick People
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12/13/2004


Look! It's Bruce Lee in "Enter the Dragon"!
If anyone out there needs a Christmas gift idea for me then they should consider this. I promise I won't be a geek and pay attention in safety class.
Violent Stick People
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12/10/2004


I've always wanted a reason to be like the people in the movies who pull out two nickel-plated pistols and hold them in the air and load them. Unfortunately, I'm not a badass criminal.
Violent Stick People
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12/09/2004


From Eva:

I don't usually use The Inter-Net at work, but today is so silly and

rubberheady that I had to open a small email window to tell you this
little story:

A coworker walked in from lunch earlier with a large (3') stuffed
Garfield. She was hugging it. She stopped by my desk and told me
she'd just bought it at Wal*Mart -- a friend told her a few days ago
that it was there, and she's been dying to go buy it ever since. She
said it was her Christmas present to herself.

It is still in the clear plastic bag it came in, because she doesn't
want it to get dirty.

Now, two hours later, she just walked by my desk again, STILL HUGGING
THE STUFFED GARFIELD. She has been carrying around a three-foot
stuffed animal all afternoon. At work. A grown woman.

She needs to be challenged to a battle by Mothra or something. And
there's only one place I know of that that can happen...

Here you go, Eva. For having to put up with the idiocy of Rubberheads, we here at Violent Stick Dorks Don't Rock were glad to draw this cartoon for you.
I really like the idea of Eva keeping a handgun taped to her back like Bruce Willis did at the end of Die Hard.

And you, dear reader, do you have a problem with one of YOUR co-workers?
I don't care.

(Pssst, Eva bought a Phi Kappa Nasty C.D. Why don't you? And a shirt! Just so you know, I only raise the price from the set base price on the C.D.s only. I want you to sport Hamburgarr that much!)

Violent Stick People
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There is nothing creepier than waking up to a clown slowly waving at you outside your bedroom window.
Violent Stick People
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12/08/2004


I got a raise today. As soon as 4:30 hits I'm going to go buy a solid black Harley, Batman's cape and Super Sized Coke.

They don't make Super Sized Cokes anymore, you say?

They do if your the Mayor of Money Town and have your office located on Cha-Ching Avenue.

(Pssst! If you want to be like some of the gladly hip people I know and give kickass X-Mas gifts you could always get them Hamburgarr shirts or Weepy Skeleton mugs! Or maybe something just for yourself?)

Violent Stick People
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Beowulf wore chain mail. I wore swim trunks. I'm super hardcore like that.
Violent Stick People
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12/07/2004


This is a special cartoon for R. Girl. People have been asking about her so much it seems there should be an R. Girl Fan Club.
She's happy, healthy and redheaded.
This week she started a new job, actually a second job, helping kids with cancer.
Our dinner table is full of stories of "The cutest bald kid you ever saw" and "This fucking Rubberhead who thought a pencil was a piece of gum".
Violent Stick People
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Nothing stops my epic holiday cheer!
Violent Stick People
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12/06/2004


All this talk about stashes got me to thinking that when you live stash free the sky's the limit. This is symbolized by my kickass hangglider.

Mere minutes ago! My phone goes RING. The following conversation goes almost like this ...

Lepro-lady: Hello, I was walking by my cabinet and I saw a box for a copy machine on top of it.

(Pause)

Me: Oh.

Lepro-lady: I took it down and put it next to the cabinet.

Me: Well, I ... hmmm. O.K.

Lepro-lady: So. O.K.

Me: O.K.

Lepro-lady: We need the box.

Me: Well then, it worked out.

Lepro-lady: Yes. It was a big box.

Me: Hmm, OK. Bye.

Lepro-lady: Bye.

And they said a minor in political science would never come in handy.
Violent Stick People
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Here it is!
The 100th Violent Stick People was a success thanks to all of you who sent in suggestions! Thanks! This isn't an awards show, so no more thanking!

I combined the best of the ideas I received into one giant non-sensical cartoon. It's pretty interesting that all of you dorks' ideas along with my subconscious came up with an old Taco Bell commercial.

Want more?
You got it.

A phone call to my Mom yesterday.

Me: Hello, mother.

Mom: Hi, Br-

Me: FUCKER!

Mom: Brent!

Me: Hahahahahaha! I've always wanted to do that!

Mom: OK, I'm going to go. I'm doing grown-up things with other adults.

Me: I got you so good!
Violent Stick People
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12/03/2004


Thanks to everybody who has sent in an idea for the 100th Violent Stick People. It'll probably be out on Monday.
Until then? "Jesus Tickles"! And weekend!

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12/02/2004


Why ARE they called "attorneys at law"? Are there attorneys who don't practice law?
Are there baseball playing attorneys?
Circus act attorneys?

Are there attorneys at other intangible ideas like law?
Who would I call when I need an attorney at punctuality?

The next time you see a comic it will be the 100th "Violent Stick People" ... but, I'm out of ideas.
So, I need YOU YOU YOU dorks to send me ideas about what it should be about.
It can be a simple suggestion such as "Apple Grenade" or something complex like "Apple grenade hits an elephant. Brick wall."

Send your ideas to violentstickpeople@gmail.com
Violent Stick People
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Guess what I saw a rubberhead doing today.
Violent Stick People
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12/01/2004

I have made a little quiz for you all.
"Oh, fun!" the rubberheads scream. "Will it tell me which President I am? Which cast member of 'Desperate Housewives'? Oh, will it tell me if I am a good American?"

Nope.

I've made a quiz that tells you what kind of light bulb you are.

It is the quiz to end all quizzes by its ultimate stupidity!
Hahahahahaha!
No longer will people be able to say "I'm Homer Simpson, the quiz told me so"!
When you go to tell your friend "I'm a flourescent light bulb" you will feel so retarded you will banish online quizes forever!
Banish them to the Wasteland!

You will realize the futility of the quiz industry! They have ... what? Shit. They just don't provide any real service, all right?
Not like the soda or porn industry.

But, seriously, try the quiz.


blb
You are a black light bulb. You are usually
abandoned after sophomore year in college. You
come in a box with a rainbow on it.
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