When someone calls you and says "I really shouldn't tell you this over the phone, but there's something I have to say" there are only a couple of things that could follow.

Either they are going to break up with you or they are close to death.

So, when Kyle called me at work the other day and told me those words my first reaction was "Is it cancer?".


It was something much, much more else.

Much, much adulter else.

"So, I've been married for the past six months and there's a really good possibility that my wife is pregnant. We should know by next week."

My head explodes.

"You still there?" Kyle asks.

"Oh, I'm here. Are you?"


"Sorry, my head. It exploded. I have to ... have to ... go pretend to work ... find skull ..."

Today, Kyle called me at work again.

"Dude, seriously, Half Life 2 is fucking AWESOME! I know I say this a lot, but it's the best EVER!"

"Seriously? Awesome. Wait, are you going to be a dad? Did you get the results of the tests?"

"Oh yeah. Yes, I am. It's official."

"And telling me about Half Life 2 first was more pressing?"

"Well, you know, I figured you'd figure it out."

"You're right. I would have had nine months."


Kyle is married. He has been secretly married for six months. His wife, Tiff, is pregnant. In T-Minus 9 months I will be an uncle.

Congratulations all around as the World grows up!

Now excuse me while I go pick up the remaining pieces of my skull that are scattered about my office.
Violent Stick People
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