I like the idea of an over-sensitive skeleton minion of The Devil who has to sneak out of Hell every now and again to have a good cry. A good biker slut cry.

Maybe there should be an archangel who slips away from Heaven to play roulette and ingest meth. No, there should never be anything like that.
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I also like the idea of thugs having back alley Cute-Offs.
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Three? Yes!
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A friend who's a crooked cop is a friend indeed.

It's now time for "Brent Writes the Script For Van Helsing Part 2 In 14 Seconds"

Van Helsing: I am Van Helsing


Woman: You - you are Van Helsing!

Villager: Van Helsing?

Van Helsing: Yes, Van Helsing.

Monster: ROAR, Van Helsing.

(Van Helsing pulls out a large device that thankfully kills monsters very quickly.)

Van Helsing: I'm going to Van Hel-sing you a lullaby. A deadly lullaby!


Villager: That Van Helsing.

(Woman dies.)

I put off watching this movie for months knowing deep down that it would be ridiculous. But after a few glasses of the red wine on Thanksgiving I was presuaded by my brain that it'd be fun to watch.
Stupid brain.
It's seriously 2 hours of people going "Are you THE Van Helsing?".

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Here's a rocking new comic for your back-to-work pleasure.

For my back-to-work pleasure I was approached by a concerned co-worker of mine.

"I'm upset that you haven't brought me my million dollar Christmas prize," she informed me.

"Uhh.." I promptly responded.

She shuffled off towards her cubicle and dimentia.
I wish I had the nerve to walk up to people and tell them how upset I was with them because they had not given me large sums of cash.

"Welcome to Arby's."

"Yeah, more like welcome to Teardrop Land, jerk. Where's my Christmas prize?"

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Have a good four days, suckers!
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"Going to work late. Slept in and I'm feeling great. I'm not stuck behind a single car. Hey, let's find out what's on N.P.R.!"

So, I turn on the radio.

... insurgents said they love their mothers. Well, you could have to pay more to send your letters. The United States Postal Service is expected to ask for a raise in the price of a single first class stamp. The raise -


-is expected to be around 10 percent, putting the price of a stamp at about 41 cents.

Look around my truck. Almost swerve off the road.

"Who the hell just yelled 'NUTS'?" I ask out loud.
Nobody answers but N.P.R.

"Somebody yelled 'NUTS!' on N.P.R.!"

Quickly reach over and switch to the classic rock station.

"I want you to want me. I need you to need me. I'd love to have some orange juice. Oh, I'm begging you for orange juice. Didn't I, didn't I, didn't I just say orange juice? Yah! Yah! Yah!"


Counting down the minutes to turkey. Planning my escape from the Rubberhead Factory. Using my INVISI-Belt to avoid conversations about co-workers fears of dental molestation.
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You seriously need ninja-like skills to get those damned skee balls in the center hoop thing.
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Please celebrate the Holidays responsibly.
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Sunday errand running with R-Girl.
Stop by Wal-Mart.
Oooo, the elctronics section.

Hello! Half-Life 2. Nice box. Ha! Cool looking graphics on cover. What's this? A "mature" rating, eh? Looks like this game might be a little too violent for those of us who aren't as mature as me. Thank Goodness McGracious that I can shoot digital hookers or rob video game space aliens whenever I feel like it. In fact I might just buy this game and show it to the neighborhood kids and THEN not even play it. Oh my my, that would be so funny. Then I could smoke in front of them and drink a -

"Customer in the store Brent Kinkade, please meet your girlfriend at the customer service center near McDonalds. Customer in the store Brent Kinkade, please meet your girlfriend up front."

Slowly walk up to the front like you own the place, Brent.
Wipe that stupid smirk off your face. It's revealing!

"Boy, oh girl. Who's this Brent Kinkade guy? Probably some doper, eh? Me, Bobby Blue ... um, foot ... yes, Bobby Bluefoot. I'm just going to get a Big-"

"Can we go now?"

"Yes, non-Brent-Kinkade's girlfriend, let's go. As that is MY choice."
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Here is the reason that an avid, avid, freakin' avid squared, movie fan should NOT have a Best Buy credit card.
Incidentally, I did cut up that card ... but I'll be damned if all I have to do is show them my driver's license and WHAM-FUCIN-O I get free movies!

My love of movies comes from my Dad forcing me to go see "Gung Ho" and every other movie that came out instead of encouraging sports.
To this day a conversation with my Dad goes like this.
"What movies have you seen lately?"
"All of them," Dad says.
"Wow," I say in complete wonder of his bank account and free time.

My favorite story about my Dad and movies is this.
I was visiting my Dad over Thanksgiving break during my excessive college years.
"What movie do you want to see tonight?" Dad asked.

"That 'Lord of the Rings' movie came out. How about that?" I suggest.

"Oh, that should be good. I have to work tonight," my step-mom says.

"Then we will wait to see it," says my Dad the knight.

"No, it's O.K. I really don't want to see it," she says.

"No, no. We'll all go see it together tomorrow," says Dad.

"Sounds good," she says and then leaves the room.

My Dad turns to me and winks. "Don't worry, we'll still see it."

Dad always envisioned himself as some sort of Scottish-blooded James Bond. Sneaking out to see the movie behind his wife's back was his way of playing the Michigan Middle-aged Roger Moore.

"But, Dad ...," I start to say, "... sounds good."

Just to make sure we pulled off the "perfect crime" we had to actually go see 'Joe Somebody' before we saw 'The Fellowship of the Ring'. After leaving the movie I had to take a vow of secrecy.

So, I likes movies. And like any good American I like to show off my worldly goods.
So, for your listing pleasure is "Brent's Ultimate DVD Collection In The Works!!!!!"

8 Mile - Granted, not a kickass way to kick off the list.

28 Days Later - After seeing this movie in the theater with Kyle I turned to a complete stranger and said "Oh, my fucking God! That was awesome!" He agreed by saying, "Fuck yes!"

About A Boy - I have to admit that Hugh Grant films are one of my guilty pleasures ... along with early Madonna songs.

Adaptation - Builds and builds and builds and then DELIVERS!

The 1st Season of the Ali G Show - If you haven't seen it then you are retarded. It's that simple.

Aliens - The only movie of the Alien trilogy that I own. The other ones are too slow and lacking in people absolutely blowing the absolute shit out of absolutely everything.

American Werewolf In London - Werewolves. Porn theaters. Puffy jackets. Humor.

Army of Darkness - To say this film isn't as good as the first two Evil Deads is like saying "Saved by the Bell just isn't as funny as The Three Stooges". Essential move nonetheless.

Auto Focus - An impulse buy that actually made for an enjoyable 7 hours. I ... I took a lot of smoke breaks.

Aqua Teen Hunger Force Volumes 1, 2 and 3 - I used to tape these episodes religiously in college. Now with the wonders of modern money and electronics I own them all! Hahahahahaha!

Back to School - Kurt Vonnegut has a cameo.

Big Fish - I almost cried. Only one other movie on this list gets that honor ....

Billy Madison - The scene were he walks out of his tent carrying the keg over his head to a Styx song started my obsession with those robot-focused musical geniuses.

Blood Simple - First major Coen brothers release. Fun and creepy all at once.

Bottle Rocket - Dude, seriously, go buy Bottle Rocket.

The Bourne Identity - Matt Damon kicking serious ass and driving a Cooper Mini like a meth freak. Awesome! I mean, Matt Damon? With a shotgun? And he's cool the whole time?

Bowling for Columbine - Just go get it if you don't have it.

CB4 - Sweat of my balls says it alls.

Children of the Corn - OK, so every once in a while I buy a movie that I look back on with future self disgust.

Cobra - He throws GRENADES in a GROCERY STORE!

Curb Your Enthusiasm Seasons 1 & 2 - It's Seinfeld for people who like the word "fuck".

Dawn of the Dead (old) - Yes!

Dawn of the Dead (new) - Mikhi Phifer? OK. And Ving Rhames? Yes!

Death Race 2000 - The greatest movie ever made about cars and killing combined! "Days of Thunder With Uzis and Stuff" eat your heart out!

Donnie Darko - This movie ... it ... it ... it's really, really ... good.

Dude Where's My Car - Yes, "Dude Where's My Car." (The front of the DVDs box has been altered to say "Dude where's my ANAL?" Thanks to the convenience of a porn sticker.)

Duel - A guy fights a semi-truck. Sure he wins. But, c'mon! He fights a semi-truck!

Ed Wood - Morphine and angora. Perfect.

Elf - Awesome! What's your favorite color?

Escape From New York - He lands a glider on the World Trade Center ... IN THE FUTURE!

Evil Dead - Good. Until ....

Evil Dead 2 - So, so, so, fucking great!

Fahrenheit 9/11

Fight Club - I skipped class a bunch to watch this movie.

Firestarter - Drew Barrymore back when she was a cute alcoholic pre-teen with fire-tossing abilities.

Game of Death - Fast forward this movie until the final fight sequence and then you'll have a great movie.

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly - The ultimate guy movie. To achieve ultimate pumped up status in a short time I suggest starting at chapter 56 and turning the volume way up.

Goodfellas - It's Goodfellas. C'mon!

The Graduate - Funny AND sexy? And with bourbon? Nice.

High Fidelity - Don't let the love-less band dorks ruin this movie! Reclaim it as your own! Plus, it features my favorite song ... Beta Band's "Dry the Rain".

High Plains Drifter - "Fist Full of Dollars" starring a midget!

The Hills Have Eyes - Cannibal hillbillies? It's like being home.

How High - Yes. I own "How High". But Kyle owns "Van Wilder", so leave me alone.

The Iron Giant - Cartoon robots always rule.

Kamikaze Taxi - Ever heard of this movie? Nope. It's about coke and taxis and guns.

Kill Bill 1 & 2 (not pictured) - First there was "Pulp Fiction", then there was perfection.

King of Comedy - Robert DeNiro proves he can not be funny without being 17 times as creepy at the same time.

Mad Max - Back when Mel Gibson worshipped the lord of kicking ass hard!

The Magnificent Seven - The greatest western ever? No. But! Well, it's still good.

Malibu's Most Wanted - Me and R. Girl's movie-in-common.

The Manchurian Candidate (old) - Frank Sinatra CAN act. PLUS! A bunch of dudes get shot in the head.

Miller's Crossing - Danny Boy. That's all I'm saying.

Mr. Deeds - Billy Madison Light

The Natural - O.K. So I cried. What are you going to do about it? I mean, she stands up and he's reborn and then he finds out he has a kid and then he almost dies and then he's the greatest ever. Leave me alone you soulless fuck.

Night of the Living Dead - I own the George Romero trilogy!

Ocean's 11 (new) - As close to the epitome of cool as you can get without Dean Martin.

Once Upon a Time in the West - Charles "Same Birthday as Me" Bronson at his absolute best.

Rasing Arizona - He steals diapers under gunfire.


The Rock - Come on. You like "The Rock". You liked "The Rock" a lot.

Rollerball (old) - James Caan always wins! Well, except in "The Godfather".

The Royal Tenenbaums - Never stops making me amazed.

Rushmore - My all time favorite movie.

Sammauri Jack (Pilot Episode) - Cartoon version of every Clint Eastwood movie.

Saturday Night Live: Best of Tracy Morgan - THE most underrated SNL comic ever.

Saturday Night Live: Best of Will Ferrell Vol. 1 & 2 - To see these is to see the God of Humor.

Say Anything - Surprise after wonderful surprise!

School of Rock - Jack Black worshipping Zeppelin. Yes!

Scrooged - One day in the future, after we live through the Rapture and defeat the robotic hordes, there will be 24 hour marathons of "Scrooged" every Christmas.

Simpsons Gone Wild - 4 of the most awesome Simpson episodes. "Furious Geroge!" It has a fucking monkey knife fight!

Singles - A movie for the grungy grown-up in all of us.

Six Feet Under Seasons 1 & 2 - I am addicted to this show.

So I Married An Axe Murderer - Mike Myers before he became a total ass licker fuck nuts.

Spun - Meth and tits. Is there more? Um. Theres porn ... but that includes tits, so .... no.

Superman Cartoons (2 Discs) - The original old schooly Superman cartoons. Heaven on any lazy Sunday morning.

Stop Making Sense - Not pictured because I'm actually listening to it in the background as I type this. Don't like the Talking Heads? Jump off a cliff.

Tao of Steve - Watch it. Rewind it. Watch the fucker again.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - A movie I waited so long to come out when I was a kid that I absolutely have to own as an "adult".

Tenacious D: The Complete Masterworks - Beauty.

Texas Chainsaw Masacare (old) - Gory.

Texas Chainsaw Masacare (new) - Gory with an Abercrombie wardrobe.

They Live - Roddy Piper at his alien-fighting best.

The Thing - Kurt Russell at HIS alien-fighting best.

Three Amigos - Humor for a slow Wednesday.

Tommy Boy - It's like "Black Sheep" except funny.

Top Secret - Sure, Val Kilmer isn't funny ... BUT, "Chocolat Mousse" is.

Touching the Void - "Let's climb that mountain." "O.K." "Dude, I'm leaving you for dead." "Damn."

True Grit - John Wayne and the seeds of feminism ... and guns ... and Dennis Hopper ... and RATTLE SNAKES!

Uptown Girls - Britney Murphy. Ever since her baby-fat days of "Clueless" you have to love her.

What About Bob? - Yeah. What about him anyways?

Young Frankenstein - My tummy is making a yummy noise thinking about this movie.

Those are all of my DVDs.
Did you notice the picture of me and R. Girl at the ocean enjoying the sunset ... and a smooch?



Today is Wig Wolf's last day at the Rubberhead Factory. I have said my thanks to the Lord of Layoffs.

Joining her will be Mole and Egg Belly. Memories!

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Amazing Friday to you, dorks!
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Bud Grizzly: everything I want to be.
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Here's how someone can just wander into the polar bear exhibit at the zoo ... adventure walking!
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I got a new pair of shoes last night at REI. That place is yuppie zomibe zone number one. Yumbies!

I can't really complain about the 50-year-old subarb dweller buying a pair of $200 boots to strap on to brave the elements he will encounter going to check the mail ... for I'm the guy that spent 100 bucks on a pair of "Adventure Running Shoes". The only adventure running I get is when I accidently stumble into the polar bear exhibit at the zoo.

"Is this Burger King?"



I just don't like how they are always trying to get me to join the REI Adventure Rewards Club Exclusive Gold Section.
For 15 bucks I get to say I own a piece of REI ("It's a co-op.") and I get 10 percent back on all of my purchases throughout the year.
Good deal? Of course it is. But I will NEVER join because of the way they treat you when you aren't a member.

"Are you an REI Gold Club Points zombie ... um, member?"


"You aren't a member? Do you realize you could own a piece of REI? The rewards?"

"Not interested."

"If you sign up know your first born child will be gaurenteed entrance to the club."


"You don't want to join the club?"


"Who doesn't want to join the club?"

"This gentlman doesn't want to join the club."

"But, the club is fun. You will enjoy the club. Join the club."

"Nope. Just want some shoes."

"Saaaaaaavingssss, Booooonuuuus Pooooiiiints! We're a cooooooo-Op!"

"What the hell is going on?"

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Here's a different version of today's shocking comic. This is a little closer to how it actually went. But, man, do I want a Bazooka of Change.
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When someone calls you and says "I really shouldn't tell you this over the phone, but there's something I have to say" there are only a couple of things that could follow.

Either they are going to break up with you or they are close to death.

So, when Kyle called me at work the other day and told me those words my first reaction was "Is it cancer?".


It was something much, much more else.

Much, much adulter else.

"So, I've been married for the past six months and there's a really good possibility that my wife is pregnant. We should know by next week."

My head explodes.

"You still there?" Kyle asks.

"Oh, I'm here. Are you?"


"Sorry, my head. It exploded. I have to ... have to ... go pretend to work ... find skull ..."

Today, Kyle called me at work again.

"Dude, seriously, Half Life 2 is fucking AWESOME! I know I say this a lot, but it's the best EVER!"

"Seriously? Awesome. Wait, are you going to be a dad? Did you get the results of the tests?"

"Oh yeah. Yes, I am. It's official."

"And telling me about Half Life 2 first was more pressing?"

"Well, you know, I figured you'd figure it out."

"You're right. I would have had nine months."


Kyle is married. He has been secretly married for six months. His wife, Tiff, is pregnant. In T-Minus 9 months I will be an uncle.

Congratulations all around as the World grows up!

Now excuse me while I go pick up the remaining pieces of my skull that are scattered about my office.
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Who the hell is going to pick a hamster over a skele-dog?
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On Vicodin nobody can hear you scream "Aye, Captain!".
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Having someone holler "Don't holler at me!" at you in front of your co-workers really makes you think. Think about how much you could pull in off of sweet, sweet unemployment.
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This kept running through my head while I had my wisdom teeth pulled a couple of days ago.

In an update of falling chunks of airplane ice in my area, this happened literally right up the road from me.
Why is it always the kids who get all of the luck? I mean, they don't have to work, they can still fit into those Ninja Turtle costume kits AND they get all of the mystery ice chunks that fall from the sky.
If only that stupid ice had fallen just a few thousand of yards further east I'D be the one on CNN going, "It was like motherfucking 'Armageddon'!".
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The "Pretend To Fall Asleep When You Are Confronted With An Uncomfortable Situation" trick really works. Try it.
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Proof that this isn't me in the comic: I don't own a laptop.
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Hahahahaha, brain, you amaze me again!
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Did you answer yes? 'Cause me and my inner Tiny Tim went with a big fat "NO!".
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Is it just me, or is this movie just a wet dream for movie-quote-spewing rubberheads who have been depraved of some odd one liners since "Get in ma belly!"?
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This is based on the time I became increasingly upset at someone holding a "Reform tort" sign at the State Fair. I was making a scene and, in hindsight, I might have been a little over the top. But that fucker who searched my jacket deserved to be called a "fear-mongering terrorist spooker".
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The flag of the country of Zeppelininmyheadia.
Rubberhead report.

Crumble Cheeks: Are you a Democrat or a Republican.

Me: I'm a Democrat.

Crumble Cheeks: Ha!

Me: (Look of confusion)

Crumble Cheeks: Look, all I'm going to say is this. The guy can't do much worse than he's already done.

Me: (Brain explodes from sudden realization that Rubberheads have taken over.)

She voted for the guy, dorks, because he can't do much worse than he's already done! This is their country now! They can have the damned (doomed) thing.
I've already started filling out my paper work to become a citizen of Zeppelininmyheadia. It's the country in my head where "Fool in the Rain" by Led Zeppelin is playing all the time. It's always 75 degrees and autumn.
In the nation of Zeppelininmyheadia gays are free to marry and unwed women can teach. There are no bombs (except the ones for the hordes of space commandos). We all fly Jetson-like cars to avoid dependency on oil. But what do the cars run off of? Reese's peanut butter cups. It's the land of the free soda and the home of the non-rubber brains.
So, people of Seattle, if you see a man walking up and down Pike and Pine husky, humming and happy it's me. The first citizen of Zeppelininmyheadia!

Mole: Man, I think she's hot.

Me: Who?

Mole: Mary Kate Olsen.

Me: Really? She's a little emaciated for me.

Mole: I'd give my right nut to do her.

Me: O.K.

Mole: You know, when they used to have eunuchs, like as slaves, they could still get an erection. You don't need your balls to achieve .......

(The world is fading out. My passport has been approved. Goodbye, Rubbermerica!)

I have two new guest dino comics at qwantz.com.


(Actually, R. Girl got me some new track pants and an ice cream cake. So birthday goodness wins ... this time.)
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Here they come.
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Get out there and stop those violent chimps!
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