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9/30/2004

A Wells Fargo ad seen a couple of times lately:
"What Would You Rather Be Doing Than Paying Bills?"

My top 3 answers?

3.) Recovering from crashing a motorcycle going over 200 m.p.h. into a beached whale ... backwards.
2.) Coked-out Porno Marathon.
1.) Fishin'.
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9/29/2004


The debates, fuckers!
It's time for the Senator Kerry rally cap!
Fuck balls yes! Hit 'im hard, John!
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He's the guy down the block, who still listens to 80's rock ... He's Creepy Guy Johnson!
Violent Stick People
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9/28/2004


This is a softer, less bloodied-child, version of what I was going for yesterday.
Nothing says "Sorry for all the zany killings!" like a pic-i-nic basket!

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9/27/2004


We are killing more Iraqi civilians than the insurgents are.
Come on, winds of change! Start a blowin'!

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9/24/2004


I've been drawing these here Violent Stick People bigger and bigger to be able to do more with them ... except they haven't been posting that way.
I realized today that I had to change the "pixel size".
Nerds!
So, I've republished Liz's Jack cartoon and the Rambo Under the Sea one.
Enjoy and weekend, dorks.
Violent Stick People
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Violent Stick People
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One of my favorite movies in high school was "Surviving the Game" with Ice-T.

Violent Stick People
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9/22/2004


A guest Violent Stick People (Cat) cartoon from Liz. MY three favorite things about this are:
1.) This is exactly how it happened.
2.) The pot looks kickass!
3.) My plant can talk?!?!
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9/21/2004



Some might ask, "Brent, why not you speak about Cat you have?"
To which I say, "Because, Yoda, I don't get down on that dork swerve."
Unless ...

Jack the cat is filled with Satan!

The cat hunts the plant all day long.
"No, Jack."

All day long until the plant is weak.
"Jack! No!"

Leaves have disapeared. The end is near.
"Jack! N--OH SHIT!"

Jack knocks the plant, pot, dirt and little white specks and all off of the fireplace sittin' area.
It lands on the air mattress.
Bounces.
Lands on floor.
Rolls.

"Did that shit just happen?!?!?"

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I'm sweeping carpet! I'm that stunned!
(Minutes later I remember the invention of the vacuum cleaner.)
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"I told you he was crazy!" yells Robo-T. Rex "He pushed a robotic dinosaur off the Grand Canyon! He put Captain America in a wheelchair!"

"It's true," says Captain America.
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MYEEEEEEEEOOOOOOAAAAAARRR!

(Thanks to R. Girl for the pictures ... and quick disciplinary instincts. I am the maid, she's the cop.)
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9/17/2004


A story forgotten ....

Last week, as I stood waiting for my Ma to arrive at Sea-Tac.

"You know what? I always get the venti coffee. It's too much. I think I'm going grande from now on," I say.

"Hmmm," agrees R. Girl.

"That's right! From now on I'm Grande Bren.... That's fucking Tommy Lasorda!"

And it was!

He heard me announce his presence as he exited the terrorist-forbidden area of the airport.
We locked eyes.
He seemed to say (with his eyes), "I AM fucking Tommy Lasorda."
My eyes said, "I will never forget you."

What was missing?
The goddamned hip-as-shit L.A. Dodgers hat that I had bought weeks before (obstructed, but pictured above) ... AND WORN EVER FUCKING DAY (and now as I type this) EXCEPT FOR THE DAY I AM STARING TOMMY LASORDA IN THE EYES!

Fate, you whore!

"What's the big deal? Did you think you'd be best friends or something?" R. Girl asks.

"No, but he'd have to shake my hand. It's in his contract!" I announce.

"What contract?" she asks.

"His Human Contract!" I say.

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There's something weird with this story.

Is it the fact that you can pick a bike lock with a pen?
Nope.
Is it the fact that you can do the same to vending machines?
Nope.

It's the fact that smack-dab in the middle of this story about bike locks that can be picked with a Bic pen there are several advertisements (in the grey section) for the actual bike locks themselves!

Look!

"This bike lock sucks so bad!"

"Wow, it sure does."

"So, you want to buy one?"

"What? No!"
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From CBS news
A woman wearing a T-shirt with the words "President Bush You Killed My Son" ... interrupted a campaign speech by first lady Laura Bush ...
Event planners were ready for such a disruption, stationing volunteers like Karolina Zabawa, 20, in the crowd.
"If anybody acts up, I just start chanting, 'Four more years!'" said Zabawa, a Drexel University student.

Act up, dorks! Be a bad citizen! Act up! Chew gum in protest! Speak without being spoken to! Act up! Act up! Act up!
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9/16/2004


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On my way into the Rubberhead Factory this morning I was caught behind a Barney purple mini-van with a bumper sticker for "Couples For Christ".

Who are, what are, what is, what be Couples For Christ?

Just a little organization that believes that couples should raise their children to do good (nice) especially for the poor (very nice) while Jesus Christ leads their house on an evangelical mission (um) through life and the sanctity of man on woman marriage action (lost me).

Gays and Jews need not apply.

After I got over my initial fear that the purple van in front of me was going to start a holy war over "whiskey and sinnin'" I started to think.

"Hmmm, 'Couples for Christ' ... Alliteration! How narrow! Let's get narrower!"

So, I have designed a couple of bumperstickers for you slim minorities out there with heavy religious and sexual relationship beliefs outside the norm. Stand and be recognized.

For the Satanist who has given up on relationships we have ... Singles For Satan!

And for the man who enjoys many wives AND worshiping ancient Gods we have ... Polygamists for Poseidon!

Enjoy, dorks!
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9/15/2004


I wanted the reader to understand that the plight of Tom Needleneck is really an expression of the inner struggle that all of us face between burning shit and not burning shit.

ALSO!
Check out the new t-shirt available to you dorks! Support Dorks Don't Rock, Violent Stick People and Hamburgarr: The Beast From Space With All The Powers!
Violent Stick People
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Be thankful for what you DON'T have ... like some chainsaw-mangled arms!
Violent Stick People
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Headline on the front page of the Seattle Post-Intelligencer this morning:
'Things Have Gone Amazingly Well'

For the first time in many years I was actually glad to read the front page of the paper.
Today it wasn't:
'Iraq Not Fun Place'
'Baby Holds Up Bank'
'Your President's Grandfather Helped Finance Adolph Hitler, We Won't Report On It'

I want to wake up more often and read 'Things Have Gone Amazingly Well'

Seattle - According to sources, since you last read the news things have 'gone amazingly well'.
Your favorite baseball team won last night. An elephant gave birth. Candy bars are now free. There is no more cancer, no more curse words and everyone has agreed that Letterman is the best late night show.
"I can't believe it," said Bellevue resident Chip Peterson, "I wake up to a call from the owner of Denny's. He tells me that he's buying breakfast for everybody in the world. I'm getting an omelet!"

Remember when we (as a country) used to sneak out of bed before the rooster crowed, scurry down the stairs and out the front door, snatch up the newspaper and scamper back in to avoid winter's chill?
Remember how we would quickly catch up on the day's O.J. updates, maybe pausing to reflect on The Far Side?
Oh, goodbye, gone days of yesterday! So long, you amazingly well days of the news I miss!

Random statement to break the silence of my carpool commute this morning:
"I wish we'd stop killing babies by bombing other countries," says Carpool Lady on a grey great Seattle morning.

"Me too," I reply.

Things have gone amazingly wrong. Time to steer a course towards well.
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9/14/2004

Bored?
Well, you could ....
Kill an ex-boyfriend with your car.
OR!
Bankroll Adolph Hitler.
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9/13/2004


Happy Birthday, Kyle!
Violent Stick People
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Welcome back to reality, you working dorks!
Violent Stick People
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9/12/2004


Happy Non-Easter Sunday. As R. Girl entertains my Ma, the Lovely Couple and others who are over for breakfast, I have snuck-ed off to give you this new Violent Stick People cartoon from Eva. You know what? I saw some Van Gogh last night, and that one-eared carrot top didn't have anything on this girl and her monster drawings.
And it's so good that I'm showing every frame seperately. Welcome to my monster art gallery!
Violent Stick People
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Look at that freakin' monster!
Violent Stick People
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A "chicken cat" as Eva says? NO! It's an owl most extreme!
Violent Stick People
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MY eyes are happy!
Violent Stick People
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9/09/2004

Dorks!
What am I doing today?
Training! Attending training?
Nope.
Training someone to do my job.
How do you do my job?

8:00 a.m.- Get the paper.
8:30 a.m. - Take paper to other guy.
8:31 a.m. - 4:30 p.m. - I don't know ... you got a Gameboy or something?

But I was able to give my temp replacement a few pointers, like:

-The Planters peanuts in the vending machine taste funny. Like weird funny. I ate them once and almost puked them. Or maybe that was the "Sweet & Salty" Trail Mix. Don't eat either of those. Unless they are the non-Planters peanuts. Those are pretty good.

-The deli puts dill in their chicken salad sandwiches. That's going to be weird at first, but then you'll go, "Dill is the perfect flavor addition!".

-If Mole comes in and starts talking about how much he likes Natalie Portman and wants to bang her, just nod and say "I left the paper at the other guys!" and then walk away. He will stand in the same spot and continue to talk to you about the "sweet, Star Wars royal lovin'" that he wants to make ... but he will eventually stop.

-Wig Wolf will want to tell you about her broken foot. Hold a mirror up to her and watch her turn to stone!

-When drawing stick figures it is important to remember that a circle for a head means that character is a human. A square means they are a robot.

And why am I training a temporary replacement?
Because my Mom is coming to visit tomorrow! Hip-mamma-hooray!
So, 'til Ma is gone and it's safe to talk about boobs and dyke ninjas again, later dorks!
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9/08/2004


Truth and free speech can be a problem, right, Mr. President?
Seriously, what kind of draft-dodging, coked-up daddy's champagne boy attacks a war hero on his war record?
A stupid one! A very, very stupid one!
Open your eyes, Sheep of the World! Your shepard is a wolf in Reagan's clothing!

Violent Stick People
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9/07/2004


Another Superhero comic. Anything with a cape is automatically the most awesome thing ever! Just like the center of the Earth.
Violent Stick People
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Happy Back-From-Labor-Day Tuesday, dorks. Had an awesome weekend full of epic high school football games, disc golf, regular golf, and DEMOLITION DERBIES!
Violent Stick People
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A lesson in civility.
Violent Stick People
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9/02/2004


There have been two (2) times (X) in my life that I have seen someone that looks so much like me that I go "What the? Why am I eating chips in front of Yesterday's?"

The first was, obviously, when I saw some guy eating chips in front of Yesterday's in college.
"There I am," I yelled as I drove by. I almost pulled over, but Back To the Future II and Timecop advise against that.

The second time was just now. Random Goolge image searching.

"Hmmmmm, let's try 'apocolypse'," I think ... and misspell.
Two chicks spanking another chick!
Click!

What the hell? Me?

Was I so drunk one night (year) in college that I went to a goth party with braided Braveheart hair?
Is that the ROTC guy who lived on my dorm hall? Why is he looking at me so funny?

WHY DON'T I REMEMBER THE CHICKS KISSING AND SPANKING?

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Fall is creeping up on Seattle and soon the air will be filled with orange leaves and footballs.
My favorite!

Fun, fun last night at Blockbuster:

Me: Hey, "Passion of That Christ" is out. Wanna get it?

R. Holiness: No.

Me: (Forgetting God's omnipotence) Hey, babe, maybe we could make a "passion" movie of our own. Talking 'bout a booty movie. Eh? Wink, wink.

R. Everent: Should you be making jokes like that?

Me: (Having realization that I'm unconsciously linking Jesus and porn) Oh. Well. It's O.K. Jesus had a sense of humor.

R.R.J.D.: Oh?

Me: Yep, he actually told the first knock-knock joke.

"Knock-knock."
"Who's there?"
"Jesus."
"Jesus who?"
"Jesus Christ, open the door!"

R. Girl: (laughs)

Me: See? You laugh at Jesus' jokes.
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9/01/2004

Your President, dorks.
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Notice how I avoided the Roger Moore/Sean Connery comparrison with a sly play of Pierce Brosnan's name instead.
Violent Stick People
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Morning, dorks.
Guess who has a new fan art up on Dinosaur Comics?
Me!
You can do the same with Violent Stick People!
Send them to violentstickpeople@gmail.comMore
See you very soon, you girly dorks!

Pssssssssst! While getting my morning coffee I walked in on the Rubberhead head brainiacs here at the factory. They were setting up for some all-day motivation seminar ... you know to "get the troops going".
The head rubber brainiac was writing on a board nice and big
"US = GOOD, THE COMPETITION = BAD"

I can already hear the Rubberhead reactions ringing in my ear.
"They made some good point."
"Wait, who was good again?"
"Anyone know how to work this door knob?"
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