Three things that have happened to me since Sunday.

1.) I woke up at 4:30 Sunday morning with a ferocious hangover thanks to Amber Bock, bocce, Crown Royal, raspberry Jello shots and turkey ... it always ends with the turkey.
I couldn't go back to sleep.
I couldn't move.
I couldn't reach my precious Holy Nalgene Grail to quench my thirst.
When I was able to get up I decided that since it was a very muggy and warm day I needed to run around without proper hydration!
That's why me go school!
So ........
Auburn, WA - Sunday, 7:00 p.m.
I am wiping up the last of a mouthful of blood and pizza I have just hacked all over a bingo parlor's parking lot.
"Have another beer, Yucko!" a friendly motorist suggests.
"I'm not drunk, jackass!" I yell back.
Technically the truth.
I'm sure there is nothing like the sight of a hungover, husky Scotch/Irish descendent spewing insults and blood at passer-bys that says "Please drink responsibly."

2.) Then there was Nazi Cat.
After taking care of numerous people's pets over the past few weeks we decided we want to inconvenience our friends and family when we leave town.
"Hey, we're going to ride rollercoasters and you're going to watch our cat! Don't enjoy!"
But do we like the cat we got?
He is evil!
He meows and meows for us to do stuff and when we do stuff he bites our special areas! Our special boy and girl areas!
Late last night I ran for the bathroom thinking Nazi Cat was asleep.
He wasn't.
I saw a light on in the kitchen and went to investigate.
Nazi Cat was holding a mouse over a pot of boiling water.
"Tell us where the Allies are hiding Dr. Jones, Herr Mouse," Nazi Cat was saying.
"Holy shit!" I yelled and ran back to the safety of blankets.
So, the cat will spend not another night in my home!
Bad cat parent! Boo Brent!
Ever had your dick bit by a Nazi? No? Try it. It is so awesome!

3.) Hmmm, shit, don't have a third thing.
(30 seconds of thinking later, my cell phone beeps that I have a new voicemail message. A blog entry sent from the Heavens of God, dorks!)

The following voicemail is real.
It's either for Santa or Fanta.
A toymaker or a soda.

Hi, this message is for (S)Fanta. If this is not the correct number to get ahold of (S)Fanta, please call me. My name is Mary. I'm calling from Harbor View Medical Center with patient financial services at ...

Should I call back?
Fuck no!
If Mary calls back it will be Brent's dream come true!

"Is Santa there?"
"Just a minute ... Ho, Ho, Ho!"


"Is Fanta there?"
"Just a minute ... POP, fizzz!"

Oh, Life, your joys and pains are random!

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