How I Know I Have an Addiction to Television
by Brent Kinkade

Hey, what's that girl doing? Someone died? No, wait, it's a rock star. What are they doing now? Is that a high school? I couldn't do that at my high school. Who is that now? Are they friends? Hey, a jacket!


"Uh, yes, what?"

"This lady has been asking you the same question over and over again," says R. Girl.


Oh, that's right I'm at a grocery store. I'm turning in a lottery ticket for a two dollar prize. Stupid in-store television display.

"Oh, sorry," I say and focus on the cashier lady.

"Everytime there's a T.V. on ...,"says R. Girl.

"Yeah, I know. What was that I was watching anyways?" I ask.

"Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen," R. Girl informs me.

"Oh, crap, I have a problem ..."

BUT! I'm not the only person with a problem! Because ....
The other night R. Girl and I stop by to visit her friend the girl-barber because she cuts hair like a downtown stylist at a reasonable rate.
There's one catch. She has a very stoned and rubberheaded roommate.
Here is my conversation with him.

Stoner: Hey, you want to smoke some?

Me: No, thanks. (I was just concerned that being high before a haircut could lead to a mohawk.)

Stoner: (Ver-fucking-batim) Hey, who's that guy that played the Riddler on that old Batman show? You know not the guy who was the Riddler, but the actor who played the Riddler.

Me: Frank Gorsham, I think. (Actually, Frank Gorshin, but I was really fucking close, dorks.)

Stoner: No, wait, I mean what's the name of that guy on Superman who if you say his name you beat him?

Me: What?

Stoner: You say his name and he ... hehehehe ... goes away.

Me: I am not following you.

Stoner: Wait! That's Rumplestiltskin.

Me: Wow, you are really combining a lot of fictional characters with this thought.

So, I get my hair cut and leave.
Days later R. Girl tells me that the stoner was upset with her and I because we didn't smoke weed with him.


"Yeah, he said 'They come into my house and they gotta respect me.'"

"What does that mean? I have to get high to be there?"

"I don't know. He's weird."

"I needed to be high for that fucking Rumplestiltskin conversation; I tell you that!"

I think I should consult Dear Abbey about this one.

Dear Abbey,
When I go over to a stoner's house is it rude to pass up a bowl of kind bud?
Sober in Seattle

Dear Sober,
If you want to show respect to your host you gotta toke that shit, dog!

Some people should come equipped with muzzles, dorks.
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