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8/30/2004


Up next? A new Hamburgarr adventure by request.
Violent Stick People
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Hip hip hoo-hell-yes for Liz and the first guest Violent Stick People!
You better watch out, Liz, or the guys who stole "The Scream" will come and raid your fridge art collection!
And I know one thing for sure ... I'll be saying "Not my department" for at least a week!
Send in more, you lazy dorks! E-mail them to violentstickpeople@gmail.com
Violent Stick People
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Nice and steady wins the unpopular war.

"The Olympics will be bombed! Be afraid!"

"Ummm, no terrorism at the Olympics, guys."

"Oh, well, we meant the Republican National Convention! We're at war with Eastasia! We mean Eurasia! Just be afraid!"

D.N.C. protesters v.s. R.N.C. protesters .... guess who the nerds are, dorks.
Violent Stick People
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8/27/2004

Stupid Hotmail!

Send your guest Violent Stick People drawings (preferably in btmp or png format, but jpg will do, you silly-letter-reading-and-understanding dorks) to violentstickpeople@gmail.com
Have a good weekend! Me and R. Slumber just bought a memory foam mattress, so I will!

From the AP:
The insurgency, (Bush) maintained, was the unintended result of a "swift victory" that led to Iraqi troops disappearing into the cities and mounting a rebellion.

"I made a miscalculation. You see what happened was, we beat them too fast and that's why we have almost 1,000 dead soldiers. If only we hadn't had such a swift victory, then all those troops would be alive and Iraq would be one big McDonalds filled with non-dead babies."

Why do the rubberheads get half the votes?!?
Vote, Humanheads!


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8/26/2004

The truth is scary.

Reporter: You're not going to Athens this week, are you?

Your President: Athens, Texas?

Reporter: Nope, the Olympics, in Greece.



"Hey, nice pants!"

"Thanks, Mr. President."

"Where'd you get them?"

"The Gap."

"The Gap, Texas?"

"No, The Gap at the mall."


Hey, dorks! Got a Violent Stick People cartoon in mind? Draw it! Find out how easy it really is! Rob my site of its magic! Then e-mail them to me at capt_zeppelin@hotmail.com! Exclamation.
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8/25/2004


It's Monster Wednesday!
Violent Stick People
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Bush's congressional campaign ran a pullout ad ... that declared he had served "in the US Air Force and the Texas Air National Guard where he piloted the F-102 aircraft."
... Bush had never served in the Air Force. He had only been in the Air National Guard. But when AP asked Bush if he had been justified in claiming service in the Air Force, Bush, then the governor of Texas and a presidential candidate, said, "I think so, yes. I was in the Air Force for over 600 days."


Nope.

Americans are safer.
Americans are safer.
Americans are safer.
Kerry is a liar.
Kerry is a liar.
Kerry is a liar.
Unicorns are real.
Unicorns are real.
Unicorns are real.

Action makes truth, not repetition of nouns and verbs.
Vote, dorks, WITH YOUR BRAINS!

(And be a good Dorkmerican ... buy Whale T-shirts and Phi Kappa Nasty C.D.s)
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Here!
Violent Stick People
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"The Five People That I (Not You) Meet In Seattle"


#1 - Stereotypical Starbucks Girl

R. Mocha: I'll have a grande white mocha latte and ...

Me: A venti drip coffee.

S.S.G.: O.K. a grande white mocha latte and what kind of coffee?

R. Mocha: Just coffee.

Me: In the big cup.

S.S.G.: And you want whip cream on that?

Me: No, just regular cream in a regular coffee in a big cup.



#2 - Hidden Republican

Me: Hey, hey, delivery guy! Running late today!

H.R./D.G.: Yeah, those damn Democrats.

Me: Oh.


#3 - Mr. Didn't Get The Message That This Is A Progressive City

Me: O.K., female co-worker, thanks for stopping by. (M.D.G.T.M.T.T.I.A.P.C. walks up.) Hey, buddy, we were just talking about Britney Spears ... always entertaining that one.

Mr. Didn't: Yeah, she'll entertain me when she's in Playboy.

Me: O.K. .... Belinda Carlisle did that.

Mr Didn't: Yeah, and I wouldn't mind seeing THAT in Playboy either. (Points at female co-worker as she walks away.)

(My jaw goes slack.)


#4 - Eco-friendly Street Lunatic

Loon: Save the elephants ... BECAUSE GEORGE WASHINGTON WAS MY FATHER!


#5 - Over Masculine Russian Mafia Boss

Mr. Mafia: Excuse, son, did you receive a flyer today on your doorstep for delivery service.

Me: Nope.

Mr. Mafia - Stupid! Thanks to you. (Gets in Cadillac and speeds off).

Me: Hmmm, what a guy.


"Wednesdays with Torrie"

"Hey, Torrie, you know what day it is?" I asked.
"It is Wednesday," said Torrie.
"Fuck yeah it is!" I replied. I had learned so much from my ... Wednesdays with Torrie.

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8/23/2004


Zeppelin, Goth, scissors ... Zeppelin beats Goth.
Violent Stick People
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The swiftboats have circled me!
I am being attacked!

"so I went to google and typed it in in hopes of finding her journal ... anyways, I found this feller's journal/blog thingy-muh-bob (could be a chick, but I was so appalled that I didn't research it any further) anyways, their blog name is Dorks Don't Rock. Show's how much they DONT know. Am I right? Here's the link, be disgusted, boycott them."

Interesting points in Goth Charlotte's rant:
-She can't figure out if I'm a guy or a girl.
-She thinks there are seven of me.
-She thinks I made fun of her friend Lesli.
-She is very excited to be a dork.
-She wants you to stop buying "Dorks Don't Rock". But then my economy will crumble! I'll be forced to step down as web-dictator!

As a non-dork and anti-Trenchcoat&Goth kind of guy I refuse to have an internet fight with Goth Charlotte, but did you know that ...

-She doesn't like soap?
-She said my buddy Chaz was "Stupider than Lestat, the stupidest of the vampires"?
-Her nickname is (seriously) Chucky Poop.
-She "just loves" balloons?
-She didn't get her drivers liscence this year because she totally tried to be an anorexic and, like, ended up passing out at the D.M.V. ... she almost died, you guys.

Why do I feel like I'm back in seventh grade?
Why does it feel so right?
Why is Lesli such a fat whore?


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8/22/2004


It's Sunday! I have a cat and a robo T-Rex! I'm bored! It's time for Robo Dino Kitten Wars: The Final Conflict! The Kitten Jack has been cornered by the tyrannical T-Rex, who is hellbent on kitten destruction! Jack must think fast! If only they were at the Grand Canyon ... wait, they are!
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The vicious robot dinosaur attacks! He sees his prey! He sees the blood of the innocents! He doesn't see THE GRAND CANYON!
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The Great T-Rex has fallen! His body lays wrecked and robo-bloody hundreds of thousands of feet below! It is too much for the inocent eyes of the kitten to see! He looks away ... but the memory of the horrific battle will haunt him forever!
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8/20/2004


I can't stop saying "fabric of society". It is now integral to my vocabulary.
Violent (Rhetoric) Stick People
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Realised that it was all a dream
as I being to awake from my sleepless slumber
The smell of your cologne still lingers in my mind, unwilling to budge.
That was what I got for giving,
....
The wound is still raw and the hate is still new.


Why, Brad, why?

Oh, and Danny about YOUR wound:

The emptiness sets in.. the feeling of lost and loneliness.. Time heals all wounds. Yet I don't want the wound to heal..

WAIT!

What I meant to say was:

I like nudies
'cause they got boobies.
And I'm positive that I likes
the hot blonde dykes!
Especially when they
get all sweaty and gay
with other hot chicks.

WEB POETRY RULES!
Weekend, dorks.
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Rhetoric kills.
Violent (Rhetoric) Stick People
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8/19/2004


Jesus told him that the Rangers kick major ass.
"I, I really think it's, uhh -- an integral part of the -- fabric of our society, and, uhh -- I'm, I'm gonna try to do my part to make sure baseball gets the notoriety it deserves."
(Your president and cheerleader)
Violent (Rhetoric) Stick People
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8/18/2004


"Brent, what is it you actually do at work?"
Violent Stick People
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8/17/2004

After some serious and, what you dorks might call, "adult" discussion, R. Purr and I have decided to keep Nazi Cat.

Our treaty states that as humans we are allowed to a.) name the cat b.) expect a minimum amount of "special parts" biting and c.) eat our broccoli and cheese baked potato in peace.

In return the cat has sovereignty over the apartment at times of human absence and the right to chew up toy elephants.

As stated in the first section, letter "A" of the treaty the cat is henceforth named "Jack" after its unusually long back legs and resemblance to a jack rabbit.
In reference to article "C" the potato was yummy.

As a gesture of good faith Jack has agreed to a special "Dino V.S. Ex-Nazi Kitten" photo shoot later this week. In return he was awarded some yummy broccoli ... and Poland.
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It's Wednesday (in my head!)
Violent Stick People
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I am VERY proud of this cartoon!
Violent Stick People
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Timmy the Elf is such a card!
Violent Stick People
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More Claus action
Violent Stick People
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Three things that have happened to me since Sunday.

1.) I woke up at 4:30 Sunday morning with a ferocious hangover thanks to Amber Bock, bocce, Crown Royal, raspberry Jello shots and turkey ... it always ends with the turkey.
I couldn't go back to sleep.
I couldn't move.
I couldn't reach my precious Holy Nalgene Grail to quench my thirst.
When I was able to get up I decided that since it was a very muggy and warm day I needed to run around without proper hydration!
That's why me go school!
So ........
Auburn, WA - Sunday, 7:00 p.m.
I am wiping up the last of a mouthful of blood and pizza I have just hacked all over a bingo parlor's parking lot.
"Have another beer, Yucko!" a friendly motorist suggests.
"I'm not drunk, jackass!" I yell back.
Technically the truth.
I'm sure there is nothing like the sight of a hungover, husky Scotch/Irish descendent spewing insults and blood at passer-bys that says "Please drink responsibly."


2.) Then there was Nazi Cat.
After taking care of numerous people's pets over the past few weeks we decided we want to inconvenience our friends and family when we leave town.
"Hey, we're going to ride rollercoasters and you're going to watch our cat! Don't enjoy!"
But do we like the cat we got?
NO!
He is evil!
He meows and meows for us to do stuff and when we do stuff he bites our special areas! Our special boy and girl areas!
Late last night I ran for the bathroom thinking Nazi Cat was asleep.
He wasn't.
I saw a light on in the kitchen and went to investigate.
Nazi Cat was holding a mouse over a pot of boiling water.
"Tell us where the Allies are hiding Dr. Jones, Herr Mouse," Nazi Cat was saying.
"Holy shit!" I yelled and ran back to the safety of blankets.
So, the cat will spend not another night in my home!
Bad cat parent! Boo Brent!
Ever had your dick bit by a Nazi? No? Try it. It is so awesome!

3.) Hmmm, shit, don't have a third thing.
(30 seconds of thinking later, my cell phone beeps that I have a new voicemail message. A blog entry sent from the Heavens of God, dorks!)

The following voicemail is real.
It's either for Santa or Fanta.
A toymaker or a soda.

Hi, this message is for (S)Fanta. If this is not the correct number to get ahold of (S)Fanta, please call me. My name is Mary. I'm calling from Harbor View Medical Center with patient financial services at ...

Should I call back?
Fuck no!
If Mary calls back it will be Brent's dream come true!

"Hello?"
"Is Santa there?"
"Just a minute ... Ho, Ho, Ho!"

OR!

"Hello?"
"Is Fanta there?"
"Just a minute ... POP, fizzz!"

Oh, Life, your joys and pains are random!

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8/15/2004


As stated before, you dorky readers, this weekend we took care of R. Benji's dog. What happens when dino robot runs into mecha-puppy on a quiet Sunday afternoon? Mayhem!
Violent Stick People
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The battle is ferocious and spans the globe! Women and children cry out in horror! Mountains are leveled! Beasts rampage!
Violent Stick People
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The T. Rex is still the lord of the living room jungle!
Violent Stick People
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8/13/2004

Wig Wooooooolf!

(Just now. 30 seconds before this period. Passing by Wig Wolf behind a computer monitor.)

Me: OK, Wig Wolf, have a good weekend.

Wig Wolf: I will.

Me: (A sense of do-goodery sweeps over me) So, are you doing anything fun this weekend?

(Silence)

Wig wolf slowly moves her head out from behind the monitor, inch by horrifying inch. Every inch more reveals a large grin pasted on her face. I am annoyed and scared.

Me: So, that's a no?

Wig Wolf: Oh, we'll have fun. Just as long as it doesn't get too hot.

(I run, I run, I run!)
Children, puppies and innocents of the world BEWARE! The Wig Wolf terror alert level is at Super Fucking Red this weekend! She will have her fun! Her father is the Dark Prince! Her first toy was a skull!
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"Well, I had just been told by (White House Chief of Staff) Andrew Card that America was under attack. And I was collecting my thoughts," (President George W.) Bush said. "I think what's important is how I reacted when I realized America was under attack. It didn't take me long to figure out we were at war."

It takes seven minutes to go from being told that America was under attack to realizing American was under attack?

One of the saddest, funniest and scariest things I've ever read.
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Morning, dorks. Here's some comic heroin to get you through the weekend (especially you East Coast hurricane nuts! What a group of crazies you are with your "It's a hurricane!" and "Someone please tell me where my dog blew off to!".)

This weekend I will be re-attending the all-day bocce ball and sandwich festival, taking care of R. Pups' yellow lab and playing the only two undefeated kickball teams in a double header.

Just so you dorkbabies know ... tomorrow is the one year anniversary of "Dorks Don't Rock". I will be raising a glass (or 14) of bourbon to honor the occasion! Join me in doing so to celebrate the past year of No-Inner-Dialogue Girl, the Roy job, Wig Wolf, Kyle putting his head through a window, Kyle falling off a boat, Ramones Girl, Rubberheads, The Riddler and all!
Violent Stick People
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8/12/2004


Not violent. Just what I imagine Goldie Hawn does when she encounters a new object.
Violent Stick People
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Another chapter in the non-chronological life of Hamburgarr: America's Space Champion.

Kyle: You realize that this is the Death of Superman, right? There's Lois, the streets of Metropolis, the questions about Doomsday ...

Me: Holy shit, you're right! My subconcious! Wait, actually, I think this is how every hero dies.
Violent Stick People
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8/11/2004

Holy brain just exploded, Batman!
Dorks, witness beauty beyond all!
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Today's theme? Hamburgers!
Violent Stick People
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America has a hero again!
(DAMMIT! I wrote "hear" instead of "here"! Rubberhead osmosis, damn it all!)
Violent Stick People
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The prequel of Hamburgarr's amazing life!
Violent Stick People
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Billy Pilgrim has turned his back.
Rabo Karabekian has closed the barn door.
Kilgore Trout has canceled his newspaper subscription.

Thanks for the war, asshole. You're the right man when the country needs to kill off its heroes.
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8/10/2004

These are the Rubberheads in your aw-office.
In your aw-office.
In your aw-aw-0ffice.
These are the Rubberheads in your aw-office
The people who say things
that make you think they're ding-a-lings.
The people with heads made of ru-u-u-bber!

(Mere minutes ago by the coffee machine.)

Guy Who Kinda Looks Like Another Guy: I'm definitely going. For that price to hear that many motivational speakers.

Likes Her Coffee: I know. Like Goldie Hawn and that governer from New York ... Giovanni ...

Guy: Giuliani.

They're the people that make you think
about going out to drink.
They're the people with heads made of ruuuu-u-u-ber!
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8/08/2004


My weekend? Oh, dorks, this! I, for being America's Boyfriend, received a robotic dinosaur as a gift from R. Tops. And THEN we were endowed with the honor of watching a friend's kitten!
What happens next? You should know!
When R. Girl slips out of the bedroom for a second, it's Kitten Robo Dino Wars 2004!



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The battle rages on for hours upon hours! Homes are destroyed! Villages burned!

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T. Rex is the winner! He stomps to celebrate his victory over the kitten!

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8/06/2004

Phi Kappa Nasty fans, your days of woe are no more!

You can now purchase the reasonably-priced Phi Kappa Nasty: The Greatest!

Buy it! Copy it! Don't let your grandmother listen to it!

Hear
Ginger Lynn!
The B-Man yell about skanks!
Skills yell about hobos!
and much much much more!

If you have never heard the wonder of Phi Kappa Nasty than you have only lived 1 percent of your life!
Hear samples now!
Buy two minutes from now!
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It's the opposite of Violent Stick People ... It's Positive Jesus with Depth!

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8/05/2004

Ha! At least the man knows he blows ass balloons when it comes to Presidenting!
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How I Know I Have an Addiction to Television
by Brent Kinkade

Hey, what's that girl doing? Someone died? No, wait, it's a rock star. What are they doing now? Is that a high school? I couldn't do that at my high school. Who is that now? Are they friends? Hey, a jacket!

"Brent!"

"Uh, yes, what?"

"This lady has been asking you the same question over and over again," says R. Girl.

"Huh?"

Oh, that's right I'm at a grocery store. I'm turning in a lottery ticket for a two dollar prize. Stupid in-store television display.

"Oh, sorry," I say and focus on the cashier lady.

"Everytime there's a T.V. on ...,"says R. Girl.

"Yeah, I know. What was that I was watching anyways?" I ask.

"Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen," R. Girl informs me.

"Oh, crap, I have a problem ..."


BUT! I'm not the only person with a problem! Because ....
The other night R. Girl and I stop by to visit her friend the girl-barber because she cuts hair like a downtown stylist at a reasonable rate.
There's one catch. She has a very stoned and rubberheaded roommate.
Here is my conversation with him.

Stoner: Hey, you want to smoke some?

Me: No, thanks. (I was just concerned that being high before a haircut could lead to a mohawk.)

Stoner: (Ver-fucking-batim) Hey, who's that guy that played the Riddler on that old Batman show? You know not the guy who was the Riddler, but the actor who played the Riddler.

Me: Frank Gorsham, I think. (Actually, Frank Gorshin, but I was really fucking close, dorks.)

Stoner: No, wait, I mean what's the name of that guy on Superman who if you say his name you beat him?

Me: What?

Stoner: You say his name and he ... hehehehe ... goes away.

Me: I am not following you.

Stoner: Wait! That's Rumplestiltskin.

Me: Wow, you are really combining a lot of fictional characters with this thought.

So, I get my hair cut and leave.
Days later R. Girl tells me that the stoner was upset with her and I because we didn't smoke weed with him.

"What?"

"Yeah, he said 'They come into my house and they gotta respect me.'"

"What does that mean? I have to get high to be there?"

"I don't know. He's weird."

"I needed to be high for that fucking Rumplestiltskin conversation; I tell you that!"

I think I should consult Dear Abbey about this one.

Dear Abbey,
When I go over to a stoner's house is it rude to pass up a bowl of kind bud?
Thanks,
Sober in Seattle


Dear Sober,
If you want to show respect to your host you gotta toke that shit, dog!


Some people should come equipped with muzzles, dorks.
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8/04/2004

Some of you dorks still have no idea how fetching a gentleman I am.
Well, can you guess which one of these people is your fearless writer and future Congressman?

Hint: I am a man AND I own a green Nalgene bottle.
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Morning, afternoon or tomorrow to you, dorks. Here is this week's batch of V.S.P.s. It's been a while since I've written an actual post ... opting for the Christ-teasing and stick-drawing instead. So, let me tell you dorks that I'm doing good. I had a job interview last week that was promising. I had many daiquiris last night that were stong. Yes daiquiris. My kickball team is strong but we have lost 3 games in a row. I got caught trying to skip out on a $70 chinese food tab after concluding that the chow mein was actually "noodles and ... is that fucking Vaseline?". R. Girl and I stood our ground and made waitresses cry. The couple that berates the food service industry together is the couple that eats spit in the food together. More later this week. Enjoy my art! Fuckin' A, Dorkbros!
If you like these, you'll love these!
Violent Stick People
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You've thought about doing this, admit it. Except after the flamethrower rampage you go over to Ashton Kutcher's house and totally punk him with a Mach 3, some sandpaper and a very hungry python ... oh, oh, and lots of lava!
Violent Stick People
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For R. Girl, who likes monkeys, me and karate video games.
Violent Stick People
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A debate settled! A spear's use maximized!
Violent Stick People
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8/03/2004


A different version of what you can find at http://members.aol.com/JesusImages/
(Psssst ... the golfer one makes Jesus look like a midget.)

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Spreading my wings!
Two fan art comics that I drew are up on Dinosaur Comics today!

I might be prouder of myself now than when I won the "Best at Canoe" ribbon at summer camp.
I can canoe. Canoe?

___________________________

Oh, my good Christ in Heaven ...
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8/02/2004

Run, fuckers! It's orange time! The color of non-rhyming, financial terror and half a screwdriver! Run, fuckers! Run!
Huh?
The information that made the terror alert go orange was 4 years old?
The plans were pre-9/11, eh?

Oh.

Well, I, um, think I read in a book somewhere about Germany wanting to invade Poland.
Invasion!
Pre-emptive orange!
Run, fuckers! Run!
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Our President is weird.
Our President is a little nutty.
Our President isn't really all there.
Used to hearing weird things about the President.
Nothing really shocks me anymore.
After that fish comment nothing really makes me ...
What?
A man obsessed with Jesus and potholes?!?!?

The fun continues!

Watch this!
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From Reuters:
Kerry said Americans wanted real leadership and vowed ... to be a president in the mold of Franklin Roosevelt, John Kennedy, Harry Truman and Dwight Eisenhower.
"They stood up and told the truth to the American people and they had a plan and they took this country to the future," he said.

... well, except for Roosevelt. He didn't do much "standing" and was convinced that if the Nazis knew he couldn't walk THEN THE WORLD WOULD FALL!
Hooray anyway!

An R. Girl story about booze OR nipples:

Girl at bar Saturday night: Oooo, my breasts are getting full of milk. That means my baby's hungry. I can feel my nipples leaking! (Chugs 20 oz. cup of Sex on the Beach).

A Me story about swimming OR nipples:

Girl at pool last night: (Puts toes in water) Ooooo, my nipples, my nipples, my nipples, my nipples, my nipples!


Check out the new Violent Stick People t-shirt! It was inspired by this comic.


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