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7/30/2004

"They only poll people who have consistently voted in previous elections. ... If they wanted to be honest, they could say it's a 50/50/50 country because they never ask the other 50% how they feel. And I got to tell you, this is what they are in for a big surprise. Come November 2. ... 'it's a 50/50 country'. Like if they just keep repeating it enough, it will be true. 'It's a 50/50 country. Put your heels together now. It's a 50/50 country.' ... It ain't a 50/50 country. People are angry."

- Michael Moore on the "liberal" media

Be angry, dorks! Be American! Vote with your flag!


And don't forget to buy Violent Stick People shirts!


AND! According to the internet, there is a slight possibility that I am pregnant. If I am, the internet tells me that I have been pregnant for 38 weeks. That means I'm not only slightly pregnant, but that I gave birth 2 weeks ago and didn't notice it.
Anyone seen a baby?
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Here you go, dorks.
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A commercial!
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A plane!
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A bomb! L.F.O.!
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More!
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Ah, yes ... I write this post as R. Girl gets her helping-the-kids sleep a few feet from me.
I don't dare type faster than a wheelchair olympics.

Have you dorks ever been addicted ... to a song?
I am!
I am!
The song is "Invalid" by Tubring.
Why?
Because it reminds me why rock rocks.
Wanna hear?
Just click on the Invalid link and rock out.
Nevermind the pop-up ... you didn't win an I-Pod.
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7/28/2004

Temporary fad or the next Nike?  You decide!


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7/27/2004


A comic blogger be me.
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It's tomorrow's comics ... TODAY!
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Punk'd is for retards and retards.
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Nutty.
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7/26/2004

The Democratic National Convention started today.  Let's talk about the free speech zone, dorks.  Or can we?   I mean, what is this ....
SHUT UP, ME!
It's time to talk about porn!

A classic Brent porn story for the ages:
I was adventurous one night in college and decided to rent a dirty movie.  I don't remember what it was called, something like "Amazon Strap-On Golden Girls and Their Bitch Slave Boys Do Six Flags".  Whatever it was called it was dirty enough to make the "climax" (ha) of this story what it is.
I returned the movie the following day because porn rentals aren't the Blockbuster 5-day gracious ones (and we all know that no matter how exciting a porn is on the first day, by the second it's just 17 naked girls and an elephant).
But, wait, where is the pornography store?
Oh, it burned down.
I get out of my car, stunned to see a place that just a day ago was so alive with the aura of lotions, boots and 19-year-old strippers now reduced to a charred pile.
"What happened?" I ask a fireman/inspector.
"It was an electrical fire," I'm told.
"When?" I ask, still stunned.
"Last night ... they asked us to hold all rental returns.  I'll take that," the fireman says.
It's at that point I realize I am holding my copy of "Amazon Strap-on Golden Girls and Their Bitch Slave Boys Do Six Flags".   And now a man who I'm supposed to be worshiping in this post-9/11 world is taking it from my hands.
There's a moment soon after he glances at the title and before I run away, run away, run away that we look at each other. 
I feel like I should say "God Bless America" or "Never forget", but instead I just run away, run away, run away.

A line heard this weekend that is truer than any I've heard before in porn:
(Girl being violated by two guys) "I should have stayed in school."

Let me tell you, dorks, this girl's words made me consider law school more than any ad campaign or family member's advice.
She should be the new poster girl for the anti-dropouts. 


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7/23/2004


Here you go, dorks. I want you to have a great weekend so enjoy these and drink lemonade!
Violent Stick People
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Ponder this one.
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A cartoon about the 2000 election ... and leg ripping!
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Yes!
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Todd?
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Showing sign that my co-workers think I'm a smelly 50-year-old woman:
Today I received an overnighted package from Denver whose contents were only a pink piece of paper with my name on it, a small yellow tote bag and four tins of breath mints.

Showing sign of N.P.R.'s aloof eliteness:
"The Mariners won last night 4-2 against the Oakland Athletics."

Showing sign that cnn doesn't live in the world you and I live in:
Wow!

A very Brent moment, from last night:
(Beer-buzzed at the grocery store purchasing a six pack of beer, a pack of cigarettes and a cobb salad)
People in front of me in line.
Blurry Blonde: She what?

Blurry Man: She lost her lottery ticket.

Blurry Blonde: Did she win?

Blurry Man: She doesn't know.  She lost the ticket.

Me: (Feeling I could contribute to the conversation) I lost a fish in college.

(Blurry Blonde and Blurry Man look at me.)

Me: (Shrug shoulders) I don't know how to take care of fish.

 
A very non-Brent moment, from yesterday:
"Hey, look, a pick-your-own lavender field!  Let's stop!  Hey, they have corn!"

Weekend, dorks.


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7/21/2004

Some days my job makes me want to roar:

Mon 7/19/2004 8:39 a.m.
To: Brent
From: Egg Belly

Thanks for delivering the large boxes to my area.

Next time could you please set them just outside my cubicle, I could hardly get in this morning. There should be room just to the left of the doorway (as you stand facing my cubicle) of my cubicle and the boxes could be stacked close to the cubicle wall and be out of the way until I return.

Thanks,
Egg Belly


My bad, Egg Belly!  I forgot to do fatty math ... fatmatic!
One office cubicle:  5 feet long, 4 feet wide = 20 square ft. of floor space
5 stacked boxes: 1 foot by 3 feet= 3 square ft. of floor space
One beast: 4 feet long, 3.5 feet wide = 14 square feet.

I only left 3 square feet for your ham and Twinkie pie shake.  I'll remember that next time.

And!

Mon 7/19/2004 7:14 a.m.
To: Brent
From: Crumble Cheeks
 
Good god! From what I see here Brent, authorized to have you order. Double check for me making sure, as well.
Thanks again, Person.

 
I have read this e-mail about 42 times.  I give up.  I am, unable to understand ... brain falling, double check, as well making, sure.

But sometimes I enjoy my job:

"I wonder what's behind those file cabinets.  Let's find out."

2 minutes later.

"Is that a .. YES, IT IS!  A yo-yo!!!!"



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This is a more direct version of the below DDR-PSA. Please post this across major metropolitan areas.
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7/20/2004


I can't wait 'til tomorrow to post these! I'm so excited!
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A public service announcement from your friends at Dorks Don't Rock.
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Rubbersations for a Tuesday.

Me: Oh, hello, Disproportionate Torso (I really need to learn people's names).

Disproportionate Torso: Hello, Brent.

Me: Hey, did you get a haircut.

Disproportionate Torso: Actually, I got them all cut!

Me (Outside): Oh, ha ha, the glory of a joke!
Me (Inside): I can feel my brain unlearning!

Another one.

Me: Hello, Told Me About Your Vomit Once, having an exciting day?

Told Me About Her Vomit Once: No. I'm soooooooooooooooo bored.

Me: That's a lot of ohs ... do you have a book to read?

T.M.A.H.V.O.: No! I hate to read!

Me:(Outside) That's a shame.
Me: (Inside) Ewww, she puked.

Last night. The world was calm. I was grilling a steak for dinner. R. Girl was working late. The world was quiet. Children slept. Old men remembered battles and victories. Meat cooked. The world was still.

Ring. Ring.

"Hey, Mom, how's it going?"

"Well, OK, I just wanted to call ..."

"I'm making a steak."

"...becasue I wanted to let you know that ..."

"It's big."

"... last night I came to the decision that ..."

"Sizzle."

"... I was going to give the ring back to Newt."

"Oh, yeah? Why?"

"Well, it was all happening so fast and I was worried about his intentions."

"Gotta look out for yourself."

"Yeah, I'm better off."

"Yep, and my life is back to the way it was eight days ago. We all win!"

"I've actually already got a couple of dates set up for this weekend."

"I'm making a steak."

"Your mother rebounds really well, Brent."

"That's great!"

"One guy was asking me if I make really good spaghetti."

"Oh."

"I told him yes."

"Oh."

"He was like 'I mean really, really good spaghetti."

"Oh."

"I was like, 'Yes'."

"O.."

"He was like, 'I mean really, really good spaghetti."

"...h."

"I was like, 'Yes'."

I learned a lot about myself that night. I learned I could listen to my mom talk about her spaghetti for hours and that I could not eat a full pound of rare steak without getting a severe stomach ache. Most of all, I learned that losing a little piece of your innocence just means you're gaining a big piece of maturity.

I would never see that steak again. He went off to Vietnam and would be dead a year later.

Mom? She's now a full-time spaghetti cook. To this date she has made over 2,500 tons of spaghetti for the single men of Phoenix. They all claim it's "really, really, really, really, really good".

Newt's lotion business went bankrupt a few months later. All along he had just been putting sour cream in old toothpaste containers and passing it off as lotion. It turns out that one of his ten children, Lil' Sue, had an addiction to Mexican food condiments. She wiped out the entire family business during a Christmas Eve bender. Police described the scene as "The stupidest thing we've ever seen."

Hobo Bob went on to beat Slinky Boxcar in that shiv fight. Bums around the world would talk about the legend of Hobo Bob and his "Steel of Anger" for years.

And me, well, I went down to the tanning booth and later became a gorilla poacher.

Still, today I look back on that night ... in wonder.
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7/19/2004

Did "Red Heat" really just call Democrats "girlie men"?
Yes?
Oh, dorks, this guy is whacky.
What makes you a non-girlie man?
Killing kittens at a faster pace?
or...
Running around with your shirt off  with Wilt Chamberlain fighting this guy?
 
And seriously, Arnold, a Hans and Frans quote?  I know they were "doing" you, but come on get a little more current.  And while you're at it, be a little kinder with your words ... that is, let's see a little more Spartan spirit.
 
I say who's that sticking up for the G.O.P.?
It's me!  It's me!
I say who's that sticking up for the G.O.P.?
It's me! It's me!
Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh ...
FEMINIZE DEMOCRATS!
 
 
Also, dorks...
keep up with my kickball team's record here.
We won last night ... yours truly being the starting pitcher and the guy who just happened to make the winning out, you silly girlie dorks.


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7/18/2004


Ramones Girl ... the girl that makes me smile in the thick of rubberheads and ninjas. Why "Ramones"? The mystery continues, dorks.
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Me: What should I say about today being the first year anniversary thing of you and me meeting?
 
R. Girl: I don't know.  Say I'm the coolest person in the world.
 
R. Sticking-by-me-even-though-I-get-grumpy-and-smelly is the coolest person in the world.
 
To celebrate the occasion we're eating noodles at the place of our first date.  Yum, wonderful dorks, yum.
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7/16/2004


Wha...?
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Ha!
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Nice batting.
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What the hell ... here's my week's worth of work I have done. I'll still post these on Wednesday's ... I just figure at my current rate I'll have close to 30 of them done by then. Enjoy, dorks.
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Last night at the Mariners game against the Indians:
(Section 143, Row 13, Seat 13)
Bottom of the 7th inning.  Mariners at bat.  2 outs.  Cleveland leads 1-0.

The Mariners' Moose is getting the crowd pumped with his "Raise the Roof" and "I can't hear you" antics.
The problem is, this is the most boring baseball game ever played.

The Moose orders us to raise the roof.
"No, Moose."

The Moose orders us to make some noise.
"Should we go get a hotdog."

The Moose says that he can't hear us.
"Let's go to the Team Store.  I need to buy a gift for the guy who gave me these tickets."

Suddenly, the Moose throws his "NOISE" sign on the ground and goes after a fan, arms raised making the universal mascot gesture for "Do you want to fight a mascot?"
"Shit, look, the Moose is picking a fight."

The Moose regains his composure and his sign.  Make some noise!
Suddenly the entire place gets on its feet and starts to yell and cheer.
"Oh my god," I think for a split second. "People have started to revolt against performers who say they can't hear them.  I'm witnessing history."

Then I realize that the game winning home run has been hit.
That's exciting too.

Mariners snap their 9-game losing streak.  I continue my 6-game Mariners-winning-at-every-game I attend streak.
Weekend!






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7/15/2004

Please, dorks and rubberheads,have a brain in November!
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Here's another Violent Stick People cartoon for you dorks. I plan to start publishing them every Wednesday (today is an extra special treat!) even though I could pretty much turn out about 8 or 174 of these things a day.
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7/14/2004

"Violent Stick People" is a cartoon I used to do in high school and college history class.
I think I'll bring it back, thanks to technology, boredom and you dorks' insistence that I do more with my site.
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Violent Stick People
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7/13/2004

Welcome back to typing, fingers, and to reading, dorks.
Is it just me? Does the world that I live in happen to other people? Why?
!
Last night I decided after a couple levels of Driv3r and some tacos, "I need to just relax tonight. No blowing up ninjas or hunting down prostitutes. I will lay around and chat with R. Girl."
Hours later ...

"Really? I didn't know you liked peanut butter. The things you learn when the XBox is off ..."

Ring, Ring goes my cell phone.


"It's Kyle calling," I say. "I'll ignore it ... tell me more about this 'vacuuming' thing that you do. Is it easy to pick up or do you need some training, like on Driv3r?"

Ring, Ring goes R. Girl's cell phone.

"It's Kyle," she says.

"Hmm, it must be important."

I answer.

"What's up?"

"So, I just got off the phone with Mom."

"Yeah? Great, look I'm kind of ..."

"Yep. Apparently she's engaged ... again."

"What?!? To who? What's his name?"

"I'm not really sure. He has his own lotion business. I didn't get his name because he was going on for half an hour about a foot lotion I should try."

"What?"

"Yeah, apparently many adult men have major problems with their feet. It's not uncommon."

"The vital information, Kyle!"

"Oh yeah. He has ten kids. He said he's going to call you tomorrow and tell you all about it. Don't let him talk about his lotions for too long, though. He just keeps going and going."

"This is too much. I need to go."

What? Is? My? Life?
Can't I just have one day to stop and smell the tacos without a family member flying through a window, a zebra cutting me off walking down the street or a crazy old man screaming at me "You're a robot! A robot!"?
All of those things have happened to me and that is my life. And now I have to welcome a new guy (who I have already nicknamed Newt Tragena ... get it?) into it.
Bound on, wackiness! Bound on!

Oh, dorks, and ...
During me and R. Woodsy's improper-English-yet-gloriforous camping trip we needed to go "into town" to get batteries for our flashlights.
"I don't need the Titanium batteries, Cashier Lady, just give me the plain ol' Duracells."
"Are you sure? These Titanium ones are good, especially if you are going to be using them in anything electronic."
"Oh, really? Well, I was just going to use them for pancake toppings, but ... shoot, I'll give them ee-leck-tronick batteries a try for!"
(Banjos play and rubberheads sway.)
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7/09/2004

Cashier Woman: "What's this?"
Stupid Man: "That's a tomatilo."
Cashier Woman:"No way!"
Stupid Man: "Yes. I should know what a tomatilo is, I'm from the South."
Cashier Woman: "You better not be fooling me, I don't give you boys any special treatment at the fire house."

Top Ten Things I Should Have Said to The Chatty Rubberheads In Front of Me at The Grocery Store Delaying My Weekend Camping Trip:

10.) "Hey! Buy one 'shut' get one 'the fuck up!' free."

9.) "Hey! Can we get a price check on Bald Fuck and Chatty Skank?"

8.) "Hey! This week's special is life at an acceptable pace!"

7.) "Hey! Fuck up on ailse Bald Ass."

6.) "Hey! Would you like some help out with ... these fists?"

5.) "Hey! It's paper or plastic; not paper, plastic or babble."

4.) "Hey! Would you like to sample some mouth closing?"

3.) "Hey! I must slay you and have revenge for my father's blood." (Just to keep them on their toes)

2.) "Hey! Your chat has angered me! I shall summon your lord the Great Shift Manager to smite you!"

1.) "Hey! This line is 10 spoken words or less."

Weekend, dorks, I'm going camping.
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Iraqi mother: Why did your tank blow up my baby?

U.S. soldier: Why am I missing a leg and suffering from nerve damage?

U.S. Taxpayer: Why am I expected to bear the cost of a multi-billion dollar war?

Official Senate Intelligence Committee answer: "Group think."

Ooooh. Gotcha.

(Pssst, dorks ... "This 'group think' dynamic led Intelligence Community analysts ... to both interpret ambiguous evidence as conclusively indicative ... as well as ignore or minimize evidence that Iraq did not have active and expanding weapons of mass destruction programs" is a fancy way of saying, "Liars!".)

"I think the American people - I hope the American - I don't think, let me - I hope the American people trust me."
-Your President & Savior
Dec. 18, 2002
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7/08/2004

Hwy-167. Rush hour yesterday. HOV (to the izay!) lane.
"So, the kids have these shoes and thier birth mother doesn't make them wear them and so their feet get dirty and I say 'Dirty feet?'. I mean come on, those are feet we are talking about, not potatoes ..."

"Hmm, sound like a couple of winners. Hey, look, our exit, time to merge ..."
I find a spot and move in.

HONK!!!! - HONK!!!! -HONK!!!! -HONK!!!!

I look in my side mirror and see some cow girl driving behind me making the universal
"What's your problem" face with accomodating hands in the air gesture.

"What, you big (fat) girl (bitch)?" I yell back. "It's called driving! People merge! Guess what?!?!? The scenery changes too! Go home and eat a pie you cow!"
I then proceed to mock her dumb face back at her in my driver's side mirror.
"Huh? A der! What? Who driving? A hee dee huh-er ...."

When I've had my fill of fat-girl taunting I look over and see Hippie Chick slack-jawed and saucer-eyed looking at me. Shit, forgot she was there. This is the first emotion of mine she seen since "Ah, sure, yep, uh-huh".

"So, tell me more about your lovely children," I say.


Yesterday. Kidco. Grocery shopping.
Thinking to myself:
Just put the cart over here. Hey, look, orange juice drink. That's not like real orange juice. It's just water and powder. Or just dye. Mexican people like it a lot. I always see them drinking it at the park or buying it at stores. Look, those two Mexican guys just bought 4 gallons. Wow. I wonder if that stuff sucks as much as Chocolate Drink. A knock-off Chocolate Milk? Gross. Is Mexican guy the correct term? Are they Latins? I know it's not Chi....

"Brent!" R. Girl says boldly behind me.

"Hey, babe, what d'ya got there? Some half&half? Mmmm."

"I said your name three times and you just kept on walking. You just walked over here and parked the cart and stood while I said your name louder and louder. The entire grocery aisle turned around and looked except you!" she says.

"Really?" I ask.

"It's true," says a lady passing by.

"See? She looked, you walked," says R. I-would-have-thought-used-to-it-by-now.

"Is your name Brent, too?" I ask the lady as she walks on.


Later, dorks.
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7/06/2004

Two short stories about food from yesterday (One mine and one R. Girl's)

My food story!

Kyle is notorious for keeping a messy car, room, home and pair of cargo pants. If there is space to be filled Kyle will fill it with something. That something is likely a trial AOL C.D.
But not yesterday.
After going out to lunch yesterday Kyle and I decided to spend the afternoon buying soap. To save time and the world gas, Kyle suggested we take his car. The little red Miata, described by some as "a tube of lipstick on wheels".
Described by me as "a car full of shit".
"I'm not going anywhere until you get some of this trash and stuff out of the passenger seat, dude," I said.
So, Kyle started pulling trash out.
Paper.
Candy bar wrappers.
Empty KFC Popcorn Chicken boxes.
Broken CDs
A rock.
And of course ...
a half-eaten whole chicken.
I still rode in the car after we buried the fowl.

R. Girl's food story!

At work yesterday R. Girl and her co-worker ordered some teriyaki.
They waited and waited for the food to arrive, being unable to go pick it up due to the having to watch the kids on ventilators.
Finally a small, old, rude Asian man showed up bearing gifts of rice and egg rolls.
"20.22"
R. Girl hands him a twenty-dollar bill and a quarter and starts to shut the door.
Suddenly the old man pushes the door open and yells, "This total does not include my tip! No tip for an old man? Where is tip?"
"Well, this is the reason you aren't getting one," replies R. Witty.
"I guess it's going to be a bad day," says the rude Asian.
"For you," she says and closes the door.
The food was good.

Two signs. One real, one in my head, one bad, one good.

The name of the coffee stand next to where I had lunch with Kyle yesterday: "Drink & Drive" Drive Thru Espresso Stand

The name of the price-friendly gyro restaurant I want to open in protest to the $10 gyro platter (beef gyro and fries) at Gyro World: "Christ, They're Just Gyros."
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7/03/2004

Two highlights from my drunken Seattle-to-Raleigh conversation with Kurtis "Baby Got" Backs, the best drinking buddy I've ever known.

Highlight #1!

Me: So, you read my blog, is it good?

Kurtis: Yeah, I have to say I laugh pretty often, except when you tend to over-politicize.

Me: What do you mean?

Kurtis: I mean I can't believe you like Michael Moore.

Me: I never said I like Michael Moore. I think that it's important that he's putting out a message that the average American public has not heard before.

Kurtis: I guess.

Me: It's like Jesus. Did you know Jesus never washed his hands after using the bathroom? He'd be like "I need to pee." Then just say "Hey, let's break bread." People still liked him. It's not the man, it's the message.

Highlight #2!

Me: Yeah, so I told R. Girl that when I die that I want my tombstone to say:
Brent Kinkade
Son.
Brother.
Husband.
Father.
Zombie?

Kurtis: Good one.

Me: Do you think it should have a question mark after "Zombie" or should it be a period?

Kurtis: How about some elipses? Like, "To be continued".

Me: Perfect! It's like I could come back as the Zombie King!

P.S., dorks, as much as I think Pete Yorn and The Smiths' "Panic" kick ass seperately ... together they suck harder than a whore.
Also, on Hwy-167 last weekend I saw a redneck driving a truck with a witty Calvin-peeing-on-something bumper sticker.
What was it?
"City boys"
The redneck was peeing on city boys. The irony is ... you have to usually find a city boy to find someone into that.
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7/02/2004

I have tried in the past 18 months since leaving the drunken comforter of college to use Monster.com to my full advantage.
Monster has sent me links to many exciting non-me career opportunities, including: Soldier, Welder, Pet Technician, President of Mobil Oil, Boat Welder and, of course, Carpet Welder.

Oh, Monster, truly today's the day for you to show me what I need!

Kyle, my brother and computer Khan at Microsoft, received an e-mail from Monster Networking ("Today's the day for you to meet welders in your area!")
"We've got someone we'd like you to meet!"
Who? Who?
Why, Robert G., of course.

Who is Robert G.? Just ask him!
"60some writer, marketing/sales/PR person, fit and curious. I am in love with an Asian woman whose pop name is Emma."

This is the kind of guy with a hottub any Microsoft programer should know right?
Read on, dorks!

Robert G.'s Skills?
"written/verbal communications, marketing/sales, le (Expert) writer, philosopher (Beginner)"
He's a beginner philosopher, "I think, therefore I ... um, need to go hottubbin'!"
Also, he's a beginer AND an expert at writing!
Very zen, Robert.
He and Emma must discuss the inability to ever become an expert writer ,and as such, all one can really hope to achieve is a continued rebirth of the creative spirit.

Robert G.'s Interests?
Hold on to your universe dorks!
"music, books, biking, hiking, mountains, beaches, good & straight sex, cuddling, sunsets"

....... what?

Oh, I see, Monster, the reason Microsoft has been having major security problems over the past year is because of lack of cuddling! Of course, they aren't enjoying sunsets or "good & straight"-yet-curious sex!
Today's the day that Monster saves the world again, making it better for underemployed journalism majors, highly paid Microsoft engineers, Robert G. and of course the great American hero ... the welder!
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