Provided by the management for your safety ...
From a pamphlet handed out today:

Would you know who to call if suddenly one OR ALL (!) of the following happen?
-The fire alarms in your building start ringing, yet there is no fire ...
-The radio is advising all listeners to evacuate the area due to an on-coming force 5 typhoon is heading your way, and your office is in Nebraska. (These are the actual words. "Would you know what to do if you started writing a run-on sentence for a company handout and then forgot English grammar and the constraints of reality?").
-A co-worker just slipped on the coffee you spilled earlier this morning and injured his (sexist bastards) knee.
-A well-known TV investigative reporter is calling on line one wanting to interview you regarding a problem concerning (our product).

"Who ya gonna call" ... The answer is this resource telephone card (attached) ... The subject matter experts answering these lines will be able to help you with these issues and more...

It's nice to know that if I ever say,
"Ah, Christ SuperShit! The building's on fake fire, I've been wormholed to Nebraska, there's a Super Typhoon headed this way, Bob slipped in a completely carpeted office and has knee parts sticking out of his khakis and now Barbara Walters is on LINE ONE (the MOST DREADED OF LINES!) and wants to know the truth! What do I do? Who's I'm gonna call?"
someone is there to tell me, "RUN, fucker, RUN!"

Before my disbelief can wear off ...
A Rubberhead has asked me to send and inter-office memo to Denver, Alabama.
Should I tell them that a.)Denver is in Colorado, b.)we don't have an office in Alabama or c.)nothing, because I'm 75 percent sure the envelope just contains a crayon drawing of a kitten anyways.

I can only stare at the wall as my college education and soul fade away, dorks.

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