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5/11/2004

Morning and hopefully happy not-being dead to you, dorks. If you have become a zombie and are reading this then shitty for you. Shitty indeed.
I have missed you all, dorkles. I really did. I'm sorry I didn't call like I said I would, you are still the prettiest dork I've ever seen. No, I'm not just saying that.
Me and the L.C. and the R.Gee went and saw the Super Size Me movie on Sunday. I'm done with McDonalds, dorks. Done with McDonalds for life.

And this isn't like when I swore I wasn't going to use the Mach 3 because of rising prices.

Sunday: That's it! Those arogant bastards can eat my ass! I'm going back to the pre-Mach 3 days!

Monday: Oooo, I do get such a smooth ball shave. Kiss me Mach 3! (I tongue a razor) The blood! I will never kiss a razor again!

Tuesday: Damn, Mach 3 have you been working out? (Tongue the razor again) Aaaaaaaaa! My promise broken! The world falling apart like tongue does too! I will never break a promise to myself again!

Wednesday: Well, I guess it's O.K. to punch just one wheelchair-bound geriatric when no-one's looking. (Punch an old guy) Hooooeee, I missed that! What fun! Why'd I promise I'd never do that again? I'll never make promises again!

Thursday: I promise, it won't hurt. (It hurt) Dammit, I'll never suggest new things again!

Friday: Hey, who wants to throw rotten fruit at the homeless and see if they eat it? (I do it.) They ate it! I'll never doubt a homeless man again!

Saturday: Bullshit! You can't beat Slinky Boxcar in a shiv fight, Hobo Bob! It's suicide!

And that has been a waffling week in the life of Brent!
Back to life, back to reality, back to the hear and noooow-ow-ow.
So, I'm done with fast food. I must regain my healthy 16-year-old physique so I can be a strong warrior when the rapture comes ... so I can look good at the beach.

Cows: "Yippeeee!"
Potatoes: "Spuderific!"
Whatever they make the vanilla ice cream out of: "Glurp!"
McDonalds Exec: "Our profits are down 21%!"

Other news might include that I'm close to beating Halo and therefore have put my love life in jeopardy.
In Jeopardy.
"I'll take "XBox = No Box" for 500, Alex."
"Upon reaching level nine of Halo this unshaven ex-frat boy forgot that his hot girlfriend had a lovely rack AND a softball game he promised to attend."
"Who is Brent Kinkade?"
"Correct ... however, in his defense, Brent did remember to tape the final episode of Friends for R. Luckiest Girl In The World."
"And unload the diswasher!"

Did anyone else watch Friends finale done gone bye? I did. Why are they so zany? I stopped watching about 4 seasons ago when they kept sleeping with each other and everyone had a secret or was pregnant.
"Don't tell Monica that Chandler has shrapnel in his brain because he's afraid it will cause her to sleep with Joey and then have Ross' baby who is actually Phoebe in a fetus costume that Rachel stole from Ralph Lauren!"
"Hmm, I'm going to go eat lots of McDonalds instead of watching this."

R. Campy and I bought a new tent last night. It is very big! We set it up while watching "The Swan" my sort of new favorite not-liked show.
Want to her something that sounds like it'd be a good compliment but isn't?
"Baby, you're the swan."
Yeah, girls don't like to hear that.

You know what I don't like to hear? That you are a lazy stupid dork, you dork! Why hasn't President Bush's approval rating fallen to Negative 2000 %? Why? Because that isn't a real percentage? Or is it because you have cotton in your dumb dork ears? Or maybe it's because you are a stupid hippy-Democrat instead of a me-hit-rubberhead-Democrat? Maybe you should stop crying in your polluted rivers and get a little more final-scene-of-Robocop!
President Bush has maimed you and made you into that hideous man/machine who has been isolated from the love of your family and the compassion of society! There he is in that pile of toxic waste! He's melting, oozing his sludge guts! Now's the time! Run him down, MurphyDork!
Last week was prime go-for-the-jugular week and Kerry and all of us passed it up. Your comander in chief (who is more in charge of the war than Bumsfeld!) had soldiers sexually and physically assaulting people in a foreign land ... WHO WEREN'T EVEN OUR ENEMY! We declared Sadam's loyalists our enemies, not Everyday Joe Iraqi! The Red Cross says that as many as 90% of the prisoners were falsely imprisoned! That's 90% of them dressed up as women and jerking off into each others mouths because our troops had run out of inocent people to kill!
DOES AMERICA NOT READ?
Then President Bush AND Rumslick himself said it might be a good idea for him to resign! Then Cheney calls him the best Defense Secretary ever? All of a sudden everyone is backing Rum/Cheney again.
"Um, George no like Donald."
"Yes he does."
"Yes George like Donald. George president. George use phone!"
"Yes, George is a big boy."
Arrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggghhhhhh! When will the homoerotic slaying of children end so we can all get back to a good economy and nude girls surfing?
When, dorks, when?

Other than that, things are good. Not much else to say, zombie dorks. Behind you!



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