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4/01/2004

It's now time for "Brent Explains the U.S. Foreign Theater by Pretending He's Iraq and Chicken Nuggets are Oil"

Me: (sititng around in my apartment, eating chicken nuggets and watching T.V.) Man, I fucking love chicken nuggets. No shit, these are awesome with honey or bbq sauce.

TV News Guy: Chicken nuggets make people fly. It's incredible but true.

Me: Shit, I better save some of these.

America: (busting down my door) Give us the chicken nuggets!

Me: No, I like them and they are mine.

America: (setting fire to my Adidas) There we burnt your shoes, now give us nuggets.

Me: What?!? No, now I want to give you nuggets even less.

America: You're insane! You kill babies! Give us the nuggets!

Me: Why are you here? This is my apartment.

America: Are you threatening us? Where do you hide your b.b. guns?!?! Nuggets! You are insane!

(Ten years later)

America: Can we have nuggets now?

Me: No. Use your Texas nuggets.

TV News Guy: Dr. Phil has been murdered by not Brent.

America: Dammit! You're insane and killed Dr. Phil. Always remember Dr. Phil! give us nuggets! You will pay for Dr. Phil's death. You own a flamethrower! A nuclear weapon is your pillow! (America breaks my plates and DVDs and sets fire to my couch ... and then shoots a puppy.)

Me: (Throwing an unbroken plate at America) Dammit! Get out of my apartment without nuggets.

America: You attacked us! You are insane! You killed us! Why did you not lay down and die? Why do you fight back? Why don't nuggets give us you? We nuggets, you have, we kill, you no curl up and let us burn your puppies! NUGGETS! DR. PHIL! HIGHER NUGGET PRICES! KILL YOU, DON'T KILL US!

... we will be back in Fallujah. It will be at the time and place of our choosing. We will hunt down the criminals.
-Brig. Gen. Mark Kimmitt

"Hey, how come you always step on my burnt flesh head after I kill your sister?"

Stupid, dorks. You're being lied to. Punch the world and the elephants fall off their towers.
In happier news R. Pillowcase and I are about done with unpacking, electrical sockets and "RARGRRRHH". After two long days of no sleep, Taco Time and up-down stairs we are ready to enjoy the fruits of our laboratory.
We (I'm speaking for R. Silent here when really I'm unsure of her feelings on this subject, but if I'm wrong we'll just call it fiction) had the idea that moving in would be a magical process. Much like Disney Land. Yes, dorks, exactly like Disney Land, no need to rethink that thought ... just run with it, Brent.
"Oh, look, Goofy and Donald have come by to help move the couch."
"Peter Pan did such a nice job setting up the shower curtain!"
"Wow, Bugs Bunny, not only are you a Looney Tunes character and therefore an anachronism in this move-in fantasy, but you are also great at setting up a washer and dryer."
And now I've lost my train of thought and I'm too wiped out to buy another ticket.
Dorks, dorks, dorks.





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