Happy week to you, dorks. Did you all have a pretty little weekend? I did. I saw me Kill Bill Vol. 2 on Friday. I was supposed to go with the L.C. to see it later in the weekend, but I couldn't sit still knowing that Darryl Hannah was kicking ass.
After that I stayed up late and drank beer.
The next day was Date Day with R. Tanktop. We went shoe shopping(yes shoe shopping and BARGAIN shoe shop at that, dork princesses), bought a new ottoman, got a kickass margarita set and of course some tequila. But Date Night was cut short when R. Sicky got a little upset stomach from eating too much mayonaise on her club sandwich ("And I ain't even a member").
There is nothing less sexy than mayonaise, dorks. If I wanted to punish terrorists I would replace their blood with mayonaise via slow transfusion. Oh, it makes me sick!
Miracle Whip is the money-shot-in-a-jar stuff.
I've always had a problem with trusting other people's mayonaise (and still do!). After my parents divorced I would go visit my Dad in Virginia and try to make sandwiches with his mayonaise but I just couldn't.
I have to be present at the purchasing of the mayonaise for it to be O.K. by me.
What? Enough about mayonaise? You know I'm babbling to cover my Saturday emasculation? What's emasculation?
So, yes R. Woods beat me at mini-golf on Saturday and as a consequence I have to make dinner and do the dishes every night this week.
We were tied going into the 18th hole and then I choked harder than a clown on cock.
So, last night I made spaghetti. (clowns---cock---spaghetti, If this entry had one of the heavily-elipsed pull quotes it might say "I .... choked ... a clown ... cock ... last night ... spaghetti" hehe)
Tonight! I go baseballing. Mariners v.s. Oakland! Me v.s. free hat giveway mob! First 21,000? Fuck that I want the first one period! (actually "I want the first one exclimation point?" Dammit.)
It seems like there is something else.
Work sucks and apparently I am Dumbo. No one will hire me away from here! When they read my resume they must go "Ah, yes, you have the solid background we are looking for, but you are also a cartoon elephant, we hate you, die, die, die."
In the distance I hear a soccer mom laughing. I know she watches "Touched by an Angel".
I want to run away and grow a helicopter propeller out of my head and fly to a little island full of asian girls .... a little island full of my girlfriend and sip bourbon out of coconut shells and watch sunsets while I set of fireworks and chop with a machete, occasionally using my helicopter head to fly to the mainland for bologna, Miracle Whip, Anal Eaze, booze and funny pictures of monkeys doing man-like things. I'll make up my own language and put out my own newspaper and then they'd have to hire me as at least an editor, because I'm the only one who knows the style guide of "The Larpy Toontit" like the back of my "winkle".
And I could do it, dorks, I just need to put the one foot in front of the other. Run out the doors and through the parking lot, long jump over I-405 and the traffic, run Adidas run!
But, I can't, I carpooled with the Hippie today and responsibility makes me sane.
Later, dorks.

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