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4/09/2004

Dorks, dorks, dizzydorkles.
How've ya been? I hope that you all didn't blow up or get mono. I did neither. I be busy with my new apartment ... and my new XBox.
The apartment thing is going smoother than a fatty's trip to the store for some Twinkies. And you know fatties make it easy because of the fat.
The apartment is a perfect blend of Glade Plug-Ins and my Adidas, Pink and Knives, Utensils and B.B. Guns, Stuffed animals and Porn. Many nights I stay up late to play my XBox and drink beer long after R. Slumber's has gone to rest and I think, "I live with a girl and I haven't died yet. Wicked."
Plus, I've convinced her to call me "Best Rapper Alive" (the new Jay-Z album is good), so that makes it awesomererererrr.
I cook and I clean dorks. I'm getting matureereerrrer. Every morning I:
-brush AND rinse.
-put foot cream on feet
-take calcium pills for weakening bones (especially my knees).
-take antidepressant so I don't scream "Lead pipes! Head blow!" while at work.
-take a Claritin b/c my body now hates grass, pollen, bees, peanut butter, milk, cheap beer, whores, Montana and cats.
-make a lunch, which I actually do at night.
-return my towels to where they belong, not in R. Bumpers car!
-put things in "hampers"
I like it dorks, I'm getting it down!
Hahahahahahahaha, fuck, Brent you are so funny. It's easy to do what you do. I bet one day you woke up and could write so goddamned good.
NO!
To play like the playa I be you gots to play lots like me.
I found some of my old writings the other night while unpacking, dorktittyers. The paper is fading and they might soon be lost, so I'm going to post them here. And they will live for enternity in your hearts.
Then you will realize the path of the genius.
The following are journal entries I wrote during "Career Math" my senior year in high school (6 years ago now). I had elected to take Career Math instead of Triangle Math because I wanted to slack and daydream about ninjas and Pringles (which will be evident here very, very soon, Dorklock Holmeseesssesss).
I fit in about as much as an eskimo fits in at a Subway.
"Mighty Quin like seal on sandwich."
"That's a very racist impersonation of an eskimo ordering lunch. GET OUT! Lead pipes!"
"Mighty Quin alone with hunger."

On the second week we learned to do addition. What did we do the first two weeks? Regression of horror keeps me from telling you.

I wrote most of these in 2 minutes (like my blog!). I won't change my typos, just for you. Let's do it, dorks.

(Name three people you'd like to meet and why.)
Kirby Puckett - He's, in my opinion, one of the greatest baseball players ever. But he's more than that he's a great human being, always nice to his fans and he held on to playing the game until he couldn't go any further.
Teddy Roosevelt- He's the guy who said walk softly and carry a big stick, the way I think every man should live his life. I'd like to go on safari with him and shoot lions and Rhinoceroses and giraffes and bears.
Beastie Boys (all of them) - It'd be cool. We'd break stuff and yell at people and other stuff. I think they are great musicians I like that Sabotage son. Bum-bum-bum-bum-It's a SABOTAGE!

(Philosophy on life)
My philosophy on life is simple it comes in three easy statements
#1 = never worry about anything that will not matter a week from now.
#2=God is real
#3= Do what you gotta do.
It's that simple. It's like one of them No Fear shirts. They're pretty comfortable and they got some pretty witty statements like "Beat Death Up when he comes for you." I agree. It's like that poem "Don't go gently ..." It goes "Blah, Blah, Blah, RAGE, RAGE against that thing Blah, Blah" It's a good poem, you gotta fight for your right. You know 'cause life's just like a big spinning wheel you gotta stay ahead of it or else it would crush you and you'd go "Ahhhh." Life is good.

(Something you wanted but couldn't have)
I wanted a bear, a real live grizzly bear. But my mom was like "yah, yah, yah, it will eat you yah, yah, yah, blod and guts, yah, yah, yah, shut up" so I felt bad and I went to the zoo and hopped in the bear pit. Sure enough the bear was mad. He tried to eat me. So I ripped out his throat and showed it to him. I was like "Hi-Ya" and his body went thunk. The zoo people were like "you killed him, we kill you" But my mom showed up and they wussed out. Boy she was mad. But I was like "It was scary." So she gave me some Jello Pudding Pops. I like them Jello Pudding pops. I eat them up. "Slurp!" That's what it's like. I like bears a lot though they're pretty cool. I wouldn't like to just fight with them.

(How to save electricity)

*Turn off lights
*Be Amish
*Live in the woods
*Bonfires
*Be homeless
*Unplug dryer and shake dry
*Take cold showers
*Don't do anything
*Blow up the electricity company
*Rip out your neighbors electrical lines
*Shoot out your lights
*Get rid of your TV and hide in your neighbors bushes and watch thier TV Just don't knock on their window and say "Hey, turn it up." They'll know you're there then.

(A good investment and a bad investment)
I bought a tattoo that was cool. The needle didn't feel nice and I think the guy who did it was into drugs. But it was a good investment it was worth it. I think I'll get lots of chicks b/c of it. A bad investment was when I got the salad bar and some cheez stix at a restaurant. I was REALLY hungry and I had plenty of $ so I thought, "Hey" and I ordered lots but after like 3 bites I was Ll "Uhh, I'm stuffed." That was stupid of me it cost a lot and I felt sick. My tattoo is better than a salad. Although, you can't eat my tattoo, unless you're a freak like on that movie "Alive" when they ate that ladies flesh. They were just supposed to play soccer, not eat flesh!

(Something about the middle east and what you want to do with laws. Not really sure, they start to get whackier. And please remember that I wasn't this dumb, just this bored.)
I think we should blow up all of the Middle East, even the countries we like. Those sand people always get you in the end. Sadam Hussein would have been a really bad leader if he was VOTED in. I think our guns are pretty good now-a-days. WE can shoot pretty far and do LOTS of damage. Iraq is supposed to be really big on American TV shows like "Mama's Family" or so they say. Those big ships we keep sending over there are pretty big. I bet they'd be pretty scary to see coming across the water. If I were the president I would make it illegal to NOT turn right on red. I always get stuck behind some doofus. I think it would be nice if it were legal to knock down people on bikes.

(People that bother you)
My brother
Mrs. (teacher in high school)
Communists
Chipmunks, especially when they make that noise.
My boss
Freakin Santa always wantin' me to be nice.
Drunk girls at parties
Mexicans who stand in the road.
Big mecanics who think you should pay $95 for new brakes like it's their car and then they say that they can't let you go.
Drunk girls at McDonalds
People who ring bells and ask for $
Old women who think you're cute
Drunk girls who go trick-or-treating at 3 in the morning.
Drunk girls that puke when you're trying to make a move.

(Opinion on prayer in school)
I was thinking about prayer and I decided it would be best if kids could say a little prayer, it's like Madonna when she said "poppa, don't preach, I'm in love again." It's more like "teacher don't preach, these kids can't handle it." God is everywhere and everyone can talk to him so why can't you be in Geometry and be like "God you're cool." Because sometimes we all need to talk to God. especially at school. Yep, God knows what we're going thru so I think the teachers need to get rectified (?). We need a new Crusades where we go thru the schools and chop people's heads off if they don't let you pray (Tell me, dorks. Was this written pre-Columbine? Today's kids would be put in sand people jail for writing that!) We'll be like "Pray" and if they say "No" We'll go "Arrr" and hit them with an axe.

(Scariest movie? What do you think of Halloween?)
Scariest movie is the original "Night of the Living Dead". Oh boy, I almost wet my pants every time I see that one. They try to burn them zombies but they can't do it. They all die but these two people live but they get shot. This little girl eats HER OWN MOTHER. Ahhhh! My god, my mother would take my driving privelages away if I even thought about eating her (no snickers, you sick fuck dorks). But this girl did it (hehe). She went "Ahh-Chomp-Chomp". And then she got shot. I once saw this kid walking around on Haloween with a shovel sticking out of his head. I thought it was a pretty scary costume. I got scared. The kid kept saying, "For the love of God, it's real, call the paramedics." Sure enought it was for real and he died, but he was very scary.

(Current event or space bugs.)
Starship Troopers is a very current even. It's the biggest movie about killer bugs since "Schindler's List". I like it. It's making a lot of $ I hear they are going to take all the $ it's making and give it to the poor people for welfare. That will solve the problem. What if those space bugs were real. I bet I would hide if I saw one. But if there was a girl around I'd stop hiding and kill some space bugs. BOOM-BOOM that would be my gun. Those space bugs would be like "AHHHHH" and I'd go "Ha-ha-ha" or "Ho-ho-ho" if I felt like all Christmasey. I like Christmas. But I like Starship Troopers better. I've seen it twice. I want to see it again. I only saw Schindler's List once. It was good. It was about Nazis.

(Something you want to change about yourself)
I would like to change my height. I wish I was 20 ft. tall and all the people would say "Hey tall guy" and if I didn't like them I'd go "Arrrr" and step on their heads. So there. I want to keep my head though, it is good to have around. I once saw a guy get his head taken off and he wasn't happy. It was on a Popeye cartoon so he didn't die, but he was sad. Popey was cool. He like spinach. Have you ever tried spinach on your pizza (teacher response: nope) it is good.

(New Year's resolution)
My New Year's resolution can best be summed up in a poem by Shel Silverstein (a.k.a. Best Rapper Alive).

I came upon a box and opened it up wide and gasped to see a dead body dead inside.
There was a note attached that he'd decided to leave that only said... "I forgot to breathe".
That's all .. I resolve to remember too breathe.

(Million dollar house or million dollar car?)
I'd want a car I'd put all sorts of things on it like guns and wheels and paint. It'd be like r-r-r-r-r-Purring like a kitten. All the girls would be like "Hey, big Brent boy" and I'd be like "Hey, baby" than their boyfriends would be like "Hey you, go away" than I'd pull out my rocket launcher and be all KA-BOOM and they'd go "splat" so than I'd tell their woman to get in and she'd love me because my car is really cool. I'd be like Burt Reynolds on Smokey and the Bandit. "This is the Bandit," I'd say. "No, it's Brent," they'd say. Then I'd run them over with my car. I'd be mean, real mean and I could live in my car. I don't need a house my car is cool. Vroom-Vroom all aboard the fast car machine!

(Interesting?)
Something that I find interesting is Madonna. She's the material girl and she don't want her poppa to preach. I think she's cool. She's all like "If I want to wear cones on my breasts and get freaky then that's my business." She had that book named Sex. Taht's a good name for a book. If I were to write a book it not be about sex though it would be about grizzly bears. I bet Madonna wouldn't think twice about shooting a grizzly bear because she's a superstar and probably a jerk.

(Write about mean, median and mode)
(Nope.)

That's about it for my career math writing career. You see, dorks, it takes a lot of time and talk about grizzlies to be a world class writer like I am. dorksdontrock is what it is today thanks to my time in Coach Head Guy's class. I'll never forget you, Coach Head Guy With Glasses.
And I'll never forget you dorks. You are all so cute.
(Psssst, I found my creative writing stuff too..... shhhhhhh).
Weekend, dorks.




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