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3/10/2004

"So, um, I have an entry for you ..."
"What?"
"You know, for your little blog thing ... I've got something to write about."
"OK, Kyle, what?"
"I'm in the hospital right now. I cut my head open and I lost a lot blood and had to ride in the ambulance."
"What!?!? Are you O.K.?"
"Oh yeah, they're cleaning up my head wounds right now. Look, I don't feel so good, I'm going to go."
This was the call I got last night on my way to R. Cookie's.
"He seemed O.K.," I thought. "No need to go to the hospital."
Then I thought, "Wait, I wonder how fucked up his head is!" I couldn't miss this! Kyle's head might be wide the fuck open! I might never have a chance to see his skull again!
So, being the good brother and avid fan of head wounds that I am, I went to the hospital. And why did Kyle have a head wound and massive blood loss last night? This might top the duck story, dorks, it just might.
"Boy, I sure worked hard today, I think I'll go eat a pizza and play video games at home. All I need to do is walk through this door and get in my car. Yep, just walk through this door and I'm home free. I've done this millions of times. There won't be any problems here ..."
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! WELCOME TO TONIGHTS MAIN EVENT! IN THIS CORNER WEIGHING IN AT MORE THAN A MIDGET AND STANDING TALLER THAN, AH, WELL, A MIDGET WE HAVE THE TYPING, THE SCREEN STARING, THE BLUE HAIRED ... THUNDER DORK! AND IN THE DOOR CORNER STANDING 6 AND HALF FEET TALL WITH A WINDOW MADE OF SOLID GLASS WE HAVE A DOOR ... WITH A WINDOW! LET'S GET READY FOR ....
HEAD V.S. WINDOW!
FIGHT!
Kinkade advances toward the door ... he's coming out of his corner fast ... the door just standing there, possibly trying to psyche out the Thunder Dork ... it's not working, Kinkade is still advancing ... he's now trying to push the door, who seems to just be giving in to his brutal attack .. WAIT! the door is swinging back ... OH! the window has laid a vicious left hook to the Thunder Dork's right side ... He's down! Kinkade is down! There's blood everywhere! This fight is over, folks! The window has won! The window has won!
So, yes, Kyle tried to open a door and instead put his head through a window. Subtle. Personally I would have just gone through the door, but sometimes I guess it's healthy to try new things.
So, he had a nice sized cut on his forhead, his right elbow was torn up pretty gory and he had a nice slice on his left arm. And what did his charts say? They literaly said ... "Kyle Kinkade ... Window V.S. Head".
What did I get to see last night being the only person who got to go back into the E.R. and be with him?
-Kyle's elbows look like baked chicken on the inside.
-When Kyle has to have his head cauterized because he has cut an artery in it and is losing a lot of blood fast ... well, Kyle doesn't smell too good when his flesh is burning. At first I thought, "Hmmm, someone is having bad Taco Bell." and then I thought, "Wait, that's Kyle cooking. Someone needs to dump some salsa on him to cover up that smell." (Oh, dorks, it was so awesome! The cool guy's in the E.R. let us keep the portable cauterizing iron! I was going to take it home with it all covered in Kyle's blood and keep it forever, but I figured that he deserved it more.)
-Kyle's heart rate jumps for cupcakes.
"Hey, dude, you look pretty fucked up. You O.K."
Kyle: (Heart rate = 91) "Yeah, I'm not too bad."
"I brought you some cupcakes."
Kyle: (Heart rate = 121) "Really? Awesome." beepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeep
So, anyways, Kyle was O.K. and pretty much laughing the whole time. The worst was when he had to get stiches.
"Oh, Heavens, please not stiches."
Meanwhile: Some old lady in the room keeps saying "Just let me live one more night." Some pregnant lady next to us is talking to her doctor about getting brain surgery. I'm pretty sure a heroin addict died right next to us while some heroin addict down the hall is giving a lesson on the German/Phillipenes war, which I don't remember. But Kyle can't see this (he stayed strapped to the strecher for 5 hours). So, to him, his 20 or so stiches were the worst in the world. Cupcake worthy, I'd say.
So, Kyle is fine. He went home around 10 and was laughing about it.
"Dude, look how covered in blood I am!"
You can read Kyle's take on it ( www.omglolh4x.com ... probably later today and possibly codeine induced) AND see the funny cartoon I drew about Kyle and his battery! I'm very proud of the cartoon ... and more personally I was scared last night, dorkos. Very scary drive to the hospital not knowing if Kyle was O.K. for me. I was glad he was O.K. and it was soulful to play the big brother role in another way than the jerk.
Other things since last blog:
-Bought new shoes and a new jacket with my tax refund. Adidas and North Face respectively. Also, paid off some debts and, um ... shit, fuck, dorks. What the hell did I do with all of my money?
-R. Di and I were approved to live at our apartment. It's so nice to be approved. We've been planning our decorating patterns and color schemes. We are very TLC. I am very anxious to get this apartment thing rolling, dorks.
-I finally finished "Franny and Zooey", goddamn those lesbians whine a lot. Seriously, it's 200 pages of ...
"Oh, but to be back yon in the day of childhood. We could cast the off what we had wronged and were justly wronged by. The Jesus Prayer."
"No, Zooey, to cast off is wrong. We, being child of superior intellect, know only how to cast on. We must learn to cast sideways. A sort of side toss of the soul."
"Mayhaps a knuckle ball, Franny. A knuckle ball would cast back ..."
Jesus, I got a headache from reading that book. No wonder people kill people after reading "The Catcher in the Rye."
"Wow! Today is a beautiful day. I think I'll head to the beach. You know what? I should really take a book with me. I really like that last book that I read. That Holden guy was so honest and not a little bitch. I wonder what else that Salinger guy has written. Wow, I'm already at the bookstore. I sure walk fast and talk out loud. Hmm, "Franny and Zooey", eh? I think that I, Mark David Chapman, will read that one."
Two days later.
"Fucking whiny little brats. I mean seriously just eat the fucking soup and stop nagging. Christ, I'm so let down I could shoot a Beatle!"
And this has been "Brent Distorts the Deaths of Beloved Cultural Figures". Join us next time when Brent takes on J.F.K. Jr.
"Hey, ladies, I can't remember if I got the plane that can fly under water or not. My dad was a president, let's find out!"
I also read "Fahrenheit 451". It ends with a nuclear war. Biased, I like this one a lot more. I have another book to read, "How Soon is Never" by Marc Spitz. It's about a guy who tries to get The Smiths back together. It sounded interesting in the library, but now I think I'd rather just listen to a Smiths album.
Well, dorks, it's been nice talking to you again. I am tired and getting over a little sniffle thing today. I hope all is well and that you have a limited number of bleeding family members. Later, dorkpals.
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