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3/12/2004

Ok, dorkwads, I'm a little hungover this morning and I had to pay bills, which might make my statements here a bit biased ... wait, maybe not biased, but skewed ... ah, Christ, dorks, just listen ...
Two conversations I had today that made me start to think that something is starting to happen in the world that I should be aware of.
(Calling up Best Buy to pay off my card and avoid interest rates, which I can't do online because ...)
"So, I can't pay it off online because the service makes me post-date the check and I want to pay it now and I can't pay it over the phone because it would cost me 15 extra dollars, which would make my efforts moot. I don't know why you make me post date the check, every other company allows you to make the payment that day and have it applied instantly."
"Sir, you can not compare our website to another company's web site ..."
"Wait a minute, yes I can. As a consumer (and a Goddamned bomb dropping American!) I have the right to compare. Your website is inferior to others."
What the fuck? I can't compare. Oh, please be quiet Mr. Consumer and take your ass raping. Shh, just be quiet. Don't point out how we make it hard for you to pay things off so it makes us easier to get richer and dammit dammit dammit. Don't fucking tell me I can't compare. I dare to compare! I'm the compare king. Your website sucks. Burger King is better than McDonalds but not Arbys unless I really want a burger. Apples are better than bannanas. Leno is a douche, Letterman rules. Argentina is nicer than Mongolia. Fuck I'll compare all day, ass. I'll compare shit you aren't even supposed to compare! Why? Because I can.
A skyscraper is tastier than the moon.
Trees are taller than air.
My shirt is more alive than my Burt's Beeswax Lip Balm.
Don't talk bad about the corporation, sir.
Fuck the corporation! The corporation is more orange than my left nut.
Deep breath.
Next, I'm at McDonalds this morning ( I know I said Burger King, but McDonalds was closer. Closer things are less stuff than stuff not closer.) and I see this sign.
"Lunch Policy! ... 16 cents extra for a dipping sauce for nuggets."
First off, this isn't a policy. Everyone is so excited for everything to be a policy. Since 9/11 everyone wants to be Giuliani so fucking bad.
"I hereby decree that the department of nugget security henceforth charge 16/100 of one American dollar for BBQ sauce."
It's a rate, it's not a policy. Policies you can debate, there was no debating this RATE.
"Wait, you have to pay 16 cents now for your sauce? It's not free any more?"
"Si. No." (He spoke Spanish)
"What? Are you guys going bankrupt?"
Dammit, I don't even eat McDonalds any more (except for my rarer by the minute weekday hangover) and I care about this. I think I might go make signs and protest this weekend.
6 piece = 1 sauce!
Say no to sauce fee!
Sauce good! "Policy" bad!
I've found my cause, dorks. Have a good weekend. Love you, mom.
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