I write no blog this week. You know. I know. Hulk smash.
I could not wake up today ... but boy-oh-boy I could wake up yesterday. Because ....
R. Girl: mmmmm (you know the morning groan of dream-bliss and awake-realization) Happy Birthday ...
Me Boy: Thank you, but it's not my birthday.
Even if it wasn't my birthday yesterday it sure was great way to wake up. I wish stuff like this would happen more often.
Typical jerk sales clerk: Thanks for buying socks, Happy Anniversary.
This reminds me that I used to have (when I had my own bathroom during college) a piece of paper torn out from a magazine that just said "Christmas" over my mirror. I think the same principle is at work here.
So, guess what I do this weekend, dorks. Hulk guess.
I'm putting my security deposit down on an apartment that R. Cupcakes and I finally decided on. It's damned near official, dorks.
Hulk nervous. Hulk never live with girl before. Well, Hulk live with girl roommates. Hulk know isn't same thing. When girl roommates have girl boo-boos Hulk say "Drink, hush" and girl roommates go to boyfriend.
Hulk sure Hulk be fine. Hulk like redhead girl.
You know I feel like I need to go off on all of the insanity going on under the Bush regime ...
-Howard Stern being pulled off the air ("But that was Clear Channel that pulled him with no pressure from the government." Shut up and suck Dr. Phil's cock, Oblivious Boy, he's near climax ... And isn't that a good point.)
- The march of the anti-gay bootstraps.
- The anti-science "But ma baby's imbilical cord should be placed in a holy trash receptacle 'stead of being used to help the cripple boy walk" and "T'aint never been no water on Mars" ... Oh, the Mars thing! Why are people scared of water on Mars? Why? I know! I know! Dammit, dorks, I know! If there was water on Mars then maybe there could have been LIFE on Mars! And if there was life on Mars than what does that say for the creationists, the Baptists ... your God, What does that say for the entire South? If God didn't just make life on Earth than maybe he didn't make just Adam and Eve, maybe he did make Adam and Steve (Arrrrrrrgggghhhh, the anger from this phrase makes me want to run my truck over a panda), maybe Moses didn't part the Red Sea, maybe Jesus could fly (awesome), maybe Cain and Abel were cyborgs sent back to decide the future of mankind (Cain: Step away from Eve. Abel: Never Cain 5000! You may have the shotgun but I've got the dynamite!) ... Maybe an Army of gay men and women and people who don't want to see the new Mel Gibson movie and people who don't feel they need a gun to gain an erection or that we shouldn't hit Hindus and that a pious bastard is worse than one who commits adultery, maybe this army will rise up from under the grip of "God's Army" and say unto those who are left open mouthed and jaws in their limp pants licking and eyes bulged out BECAUSE they have witnessed that man can be strong and glorious without a God and they will see this new race of men powered by the knowledge of Mars life and ask onto they "But what can I believe in now that my superstitous beliefs have gone" and the new man will say "Lo, but believe in thy self" and old man will say "But I suck and I'm scared" and new man will smile and say "You've got some Dr. Phil juice on your lip."
-Um, where to go from there? The Oscars were pretty good ... Oh yeah! Why does every critic keep saying "The Bored of the Rings" "I'm so bored by it, Oh it was so boring, Bored" ... Harry Potter rim an atheist, what's wrong with these people? "Oh, I have to pay attention for more than a minute and there's no Hillary Duff? Boring." and ... "Lost in Translation was boring, so boring, nothing happened, it was boring." No it was different not boring and don't worry too much some new 'Lion King' sequel will be out soon enough for you. "He, he, that ol' warthog pooted". Now put your lips back on Dr. Phil he's randy again.
- And Haiti! I'm not going to act like I'm I know anything more than Haiti except that I do not want to go there ever, but I'm not an idiot.
Stupid president in the news: "Maybe Aristide should step down."
(Cut to the next day: Aristide "leaves" for Africa.)
Aristide: "I was forced to leave at gunpoint by the Bush machine."
Bush machine: "Naw, come on, America, the silly black man is lying to you. We just happened to send 50 Marines to the country a few days before he left. 50 Marines seems like quite a small number to make any difference in a chaotic country doesn't it? But, it seems like more than enough to get one guy out doesn't it? Don't worry though because ...."
- Something like 180 people died in Iraq yesterday because of sucide bombers. You don't know 180 people. Can you wrap your head around that? Everyone you know could have died in Iraq yesterday. And now they're saying the guy that's heading up all of these suicide bombings and gureilla tactics in Iraq was within our reach when we first entered the country. But, no, we had to focus on getting Sadam. That's right, because that hole he was governing had to be liberated. 180 people died yesterday so Bush could make Daddy happy. 180 people. Everyone you know. Prior knowledge once again ignored.
How can you spot an elephant on the moon?
He's the one with the big "E" on his space suit.
(here's a joke I made up while I was making a no-bake cheescake the other day)
Me: Hey, what do you call a chicken who hits its young?
R. Stumped: What?
Me: An egg beater.
And on another positive note ... naw, we'll save that one for later. But until then, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DORKS!
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