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3/12/2004

Dorks, oh dorks, sweet dorks ... you know that part in the 80s movie where the parents come home and the record player goes WHEEEREEEREEE because the precious Izod parents have come home to find that their precious sweet son has thrown an all night party full of strippers and Kelly Le Brock and booze and mutha punching sheep ... CHRIST, DORKS, I SAID SHEEP! THAT MEANS FUCKED UP SHIT IS COMING UP! SHEEP MEANS THIS!

Your Mother
Nice to read that you are hemorraghing and doing so well in your social life. Pick up the phone you little skamp!!

This is one of the comments to Kyle's little entry about putting his head through a fucking, sorry Mom, stupid window! This means that my mom (by linking to read the Kyle story) has read this site! Fuck Christ Shit punch the Pope and inhale whippets while a lap dance girl does things and fuck and shit and dammit. I mean shoot, ma. Shoot it all to heck!
No one else is going to use the word "skamp"! Skamp means my mom! My mom has read about all of this! Ahhhhh, no way she could just read this little bit and then stop. I'm as adictive as nicotine, which I don't inhale on a daily basis, Mom.
"Brent, what's a skamp?"
"Shit, I don't know, I only knows 'bout talking bout beers and boobs, I think my ma knows what skamps might sure be."
And so we begin "Brent Explains Everything to His Mother"
Hey, Ma ... remember how I call you Ma? That's funny isn't it? I know you read some things on this here website that aren't too pretty. Um, so, I'm still a virgin ... it's just that the other kids laugh at sex jokes. Yep, and jokes about, um, your girlfriend buying you porn. That's the funniest joke out there now for kids to tell ...
'Knock-knock'
'Who's there?'
'Your girlfriend.'
'Your girlfriend who?'
'I bought you porn and totally respect your mother.'
Hahahahahahahahhahaha.
That IS the funniest joke out right now, Mom.
It feels like I'm cleaning up my room, dorks. Except it's not my teenage "Hide the Marlboros" room. Nope, I'm chasing frantically around my "Hide the, um, the yep let's stick with Marlboros and not dildos" DAMMIT room.
And now all of you dorks are saying, "Well, hey Brent, why don't you ever mention your parents except in passing?"
Why don't I? I've noticed that too, dork fellows. So, now that I've admitted to having a mother and not being the coolest hippest most idependent space commander on the sun I should probably open up about other things ...
My parents are divorced. My Dad lives in Michigan and is remarried. My mom lives in Phoenix. She recently admitted that she is an alcoholic and left her chump fiance that kept telling me that he loves me. This was very uncomfortalbe for me.
"I love you, Brent."
"I don't know what you look like."
At least my stepmother is honest. She once said to me, "I don't care if you freeze to death." This made me think, "Hmm, maybe I'm totally misinterpreting this freezing to death thing. Maybe that's how Iowa sluts say 'Hello'."
(Guy frozen in Iowa)
Iowa girl: Hello to you too.
I don't talk to either of my parents very often. By not very often I mean think of the last time you talked to your parents and divide by 3. That's how much I have talked to my parents this year.
People: So, what do your parents do?
Me: Um, I don't know ... live?
And that's all you get for tonight about, dorks. I hope you all freeze to death.
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