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2/17/2004

I tell you, dorkfaces, sometimes I think this whole world is full of people with rubber-filled heads. That's right, rubber-filled heads.
I just showed someone in the executive office how to ...
a.)Convert dollars to euros
b.)Build a rocket to take them back to their rubberhead planet
or
c.) Use a folder. A regular freakin' paper folder. A folder that would not be unlike the folder that has been used for many a year by many a beurocrat. A regular (although it was red) paper folder. I think it needs to be said again for effect. A regular paper folder. A red regular paper folder.
Ok, now you're supposed to guess. If you guessed "c" you are not a rubberhead. If you didn't guess "c" I have a rocketship waiting for you.
"This folder not be da one me usededed to be using."
"Here, you open it up and then ..."
"Oh, that's that there's the folder I be seeing when i use the folders. Yep I likes the open folders."
I'm glad that rubberheaded people make 3 times as much as me; it really helps me stay focused and well-balanced. Very zen.
I hope your dorky weekend was nice and that you all ate chocolate and got hit with Cupid's arrow. Not cupid the love guy, Cupid this meth addict I know with a fondness for crossbows. That's right, I hired a cranked out crossbow nut to hunt you down, you smirksome rubberhead.
But really, I had a great weekend. Me and the R. chicky went out to eat and held hands. I gave her a journal type thing and a nice pen for Valentine's. What did she get me? Well, I got porn.
I know I told some of you that R. Virgin got me other movies. This was a lie, a boldfaced lie, I lied to you.
Why?
You see, I did this because I didn't know if I wanted to tell anyone that I owned porn and that I mutually owned porn and that I received it as a gift and yadda, porn, smut, other stuff, hmmm, television, I wonder what's on.
But, then I realized this little fact.
November 2003 - R. Touchdown gives me football tickets for my birthday.
December 2003 - R. Christ gives me a b.b. gun for Christmas.
February 2004 - My R. gives me porn for Valentine's
Football, guns and porn. I think that needs to be said again. Football, guns and porn. How perfect is this chick, I mean babe. Plus, who the hell doesn't own porn? I mean, the exception is that Catholic priests don't own porn and we all know what's going on there.
That's right, if you don't own pornography you have to wear very tight collars. And lord knows I like a loose collar.
On Sunday (the day of the tight collar) the me-couple and the lovely couple went to the zoo. It was very fun. One of the elephants had half of his (her) ear gone like it had been ripped off. That was awesome.
There was also this sign that talked about how a certain type of monkey will get into fights with eagles. It had a painting showing what a monkey/eagle fight looks like. What does it look like? Like this ...
I have said in my life that a lot of things are the coolest thing I have ever seen. Santa Claus, people falling while sking and gators jumping are a few of those things. However, all of those things are lame ass shit-fuck compared to monkey/eagle fights.
A group of these certain monkies will be sitting in a tree just hanging out.
"It sure is a good day to be a monkey," they will be saying.
Suddenly, an eagle will swoop in and sit next to the monkies in the tree. He is the spotter.
"No, it's a bad day to be a monkey," the eagle will say. Then his buddy swoops in and starts picking up monkeys.
(This next part was not mentioned in the zoo display, but here's how I think it goes)
The monkies, flying high above the ground held tightly by the eagle, will fight and claw. The eagle will do sky-cartwheels and zigzags to confuse the monkey. The monkey is too smart for this and pokes at the eagle's eyes. His attempts are futile. The eagle pokes back with his razor sharp beak, slicing the monkey's left ear. This angers the monkey who swings violently at the eagles face. The blow to the head shockes the eagle who momentarily loses control of his flight. Both the eagle and the monkey are falling to the ground at TERMINAL VELOCITY! Just before impact the eagle regains control and swoops up. The camera zooms in on the eagles claw (that's right it's a movie now) only to reveal it covered in blood. The monkey could not escape TERMINAL VELOCITY!
Before I die I want to witness God's most perfect conflict ... the monkey/eagle fight.
There were also bears and zebras and asian people. But you've seen all of that stuff.
Well, I need to go home because I don't want to be at work any more. You dorks are all right, ya crazy rubberheads.
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