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2/19/2004

I personally know nothing about how to make music. I'm going somewhere with this, dorks, so calm down a minute. Dammit, you are impaitient. Now, as I was saying, I don't know how to make the music come out of them music machines.
I taught myself how to play the harmonica when I was younger. The musical fruits of my labor (hehe, beans) was that I could play a pretty good "When the Saints Come to March In Our Town ... Pilaging the Land!" and "Low Rider" by WAR. I can still play hobo-worthy harmonica but I can't wail like Eddie Van Halen. But that doesn't mean I don't know who to rock your balls, dorks!
What does this crazy guy mean? Look!
I left the following message on my friend Eva's (http://themeasure.diaryland.com) answering machine the other night (and, yes, she correctly guessed that I was NOT drunk when I left it):
EVA! I WAS JUST DRIVING IN MY TRUCK AND I HAD THE BEST IDEA! WOULDN’T IT BE AWESOME IF IN THE MIDDLE OF A SHOW YOU JUST STOPPED WHAT YOU WERE DOING AND BROKE INTO THIS PART OF BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY BY QUEEN? HERE, THIS PART! [dull blare of car stereo] WOULDN’T THAT BE AWESOME?!?!
The part I'm talking about is, of course, the classic Wayne's World head thrash part. Eva's in a band called Perfect Sleeper so she can do this.
But think about how wicked sweet it would be if a band did this. They'd be singing along all emo-alternative and then maybe at the end of a song they'd do that cool thing where they hit the strings one last time and let it fade out slow while they look at the ground with their hair in their face when all of a sudden ...
Wha-wha-wha-wha-wha-wha wha wha-wha-wha-wha
SO, YOU THINK YOU CAN STOP ME AND SPIT AND MY EYYYE! SO YOU THINK YOU CAN LOVE ME AND LEAVE ME TO DIIIIIIIE! OHHHHH BABEEE, CAN'T DO THIS TO ME BABEEE, JUST GOTTA GET OUT, JUST GOTTA GET RIGHT OUT OF HEEERE.
(I just wrote those lyrics without looking them up on the web! I rule!)
So, my point is, dorkensteins, that I know how to rock, but I just don't know how to make it roll. I want to be in a rock band just so I can have awesome ideas like that and have them happen before me like a babe born anew of Zeppelin and G. 'n' R.
And I've got ideas, oh yes, ideas in my head are brewin', but I taint telling you none of them 'cause one day you will see them on MTV and your head with explode from THE EUPHORIA!
I am hungover this morning, dorks. I drank 2 40s and a few other beers and played some muthadominating RISK with the better half of the L.C., the other half being in Cali. or Haiti or something for the week.
How'd I do at RISK? I lost. Then we played Trivial Pursuit. How'd I do? I lost. Although with the Trivial Yah game I think the questions were a little easy for certain people who weren't me.
Example question for the better half: "You eat off of this and it rhymes with plate."
Example question for me: "14, Stevenson or that apple?"
I guessed 14. I lost. So, I'm hungover and very tired. I called R. There-for-me a couple times when I was wasted last night. Always a good idea.
"Hey, I'm wasted. Who wants a tickle?"
"You're on a phone, you can't tickle."
"What? You're cute."
He,he I just called UPS and they say "What brown can do for you." Brown do. He, he. Fuck I can't stop giggling about this.
"Sir, we lost your package."
"He, he, package. Do."
Then they said "Check us out at UPS.com"
"He, he, check. Like what I write at the grocery store. Check."
Allright, I need to fucking work. Damn, I have been writing this thing for almost an hour! Need to go, dork tickles.
Wait!! One more thing.
I went to return the digital camera that I got R. Camera for Christmas. It broke when I was trying to take a picture of her riding a statue of a monkey at the zoo.
Here's what happened at Best Buy.
"Sorry, we can't replace this. The return date has passed and you didn't get the stupid, stupid extended warranty deal that we should have on all of our products anyways but we don't because we like to ass fuck you because we know you'll keep coming back even if we ass fuck you because we have lots of shiny things. Lube up!"
"But, it's a shoddy product. It broke, it's not working, you should take it back."
"I'm sorry (shoving the receipt at me) but the exchange date has passed."
"You don't need to ... so, you can't do anything for me."
"No."
"So then I guess I got (oh, it's soo good, wait for it just a second, rewind it and turn it up because this is going to be good!) ...
"So then I guess I got .... THE WORST BUY!"
I actually said this and many people heard me and I walked out of there like a king. Goodbye, dorks, I rock.
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