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1/21/2004

Morning, dorksluts. I have some busi to take to the streets. To tide you over here is one of the only two entries I put into my other blog. Kyle gave me an idea to just do my "stream of history" blog on this website every once in awhile, which is a good idea because, to be honest with you, sometimes I taint got much to say.
Well, here it is. I'll write more later.

((2004-01-09 - 10:23 a.m.

Here's what happened today ...

IN 1984!


Long time beauty queen Clara Peller first appeared in Wendy's infamous "Where's The Beef?" commercials.

A transcript of that commercial is posted below.


An old woman: (pointing at a hamburger) Where's the Beef?


America: (laughs for 15 years)


The commercial prompted other companies to follow suit. However, not all slogans caught on as well.

For example Duracell's "Where's the battery acid?" campaign was quickly cut short when children, most notably child actor Punky Brewster (Sunbelt Farmface), went looking for the battery acid inside Double-A and Triple-A batteries.

Farmface was forced to leave her multi-billionaire Punky Brewster media empire in 1985 due to severe acid burns on her face and throat. She became a posterchild for the "Hey Kids Battery Acid Ain't Kool-Aid" organization, which spawned it's own catchy slogan, "Acid Bad, Chocolate Good".

Peller went on to enjoy critical success with her tell all novel "The Beef Was Never There". The book exposed the sordid history of the Wendy's corporation. Here's is an exerpt from the chapter title "Frosty, French Fry and Freedom"


It was the 4th day that I had been locked in the basement. I knew Wendy would be back soon and with her would come the sauldering iron and ball peen hammer. I had to escape, I had to get to Dave Thomas before that red-headed #$@! If the world was ever going to find out the truth about Frosties I had to make my move now.

From my time in the Marine's I was trained to kill with my bare hands, but those bare hands were handcuffed to a radiator. In a dark corner of the basement I saw a harpoon gun left over from the shark hunt Wendy and I had gone on last summer. Those few days in Florida were the good times, but they were gone. All that was left was pain, a red-headed @#$#, a harpoon gun, 4 stuffed sharks and a deadly secret ....


Peller did eventually escape that basement of horrors and her and Wendy "Harpoon Face" Thomas went on to rekindle their friendship and hit the road as a country-western duo with such hits as "The Judds are Fatties" and "The Judds Suck".

Peller died in a freak shark attack in West Texas in 2001. Witnesses say it was "the most awesome, wicked" thing they had ever seen.

At Peller's funeral, Ronald McDonald gave the eulogy.

"When Clara gets to Heaven we all know she's going to ask God where the beef was all of this time. And I think we all agree that it was probably in her big heart. Super Size Amen."

Super Size Amen, indeed.))
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