I left work early today. I was done playing Roy. Before I left I did the "Look At Brent" round. I don't know if this is a common office practice; it'd be cool to say I invented the move. On days where I want to leave early I go on a little jaunt around the office and talk to as many people as I can. "Say, fella with that box, how's the U.P.S. situation?" "Oh, hey, female superior, did you get that e-mail about that thing that involves something in Houston?" "Say, person at the coffee machine, did you hear the one about the Jew, the penguin and the abortionist?"
"Well, that's unappropriate, Brent."
"That's right. And remember I said it at roughly 4-4:30 p.m. on Wednesday."
The idea is that if anyone asks for me in the half hour to hour that I'm supposed to be there, plenty of people will say "I just saw him" and lead whoever is looking for me to assume I'm somewhere else. And when 4:30 rolls around, "I guess he just left" will be in their head.
The more I work this office job the truer my earlier theory about office work becomes. People in offices don't really do anything. Collectively, sure, they might spit something out. But, as a single human, no one person is needed, ever.
Over the past couple of days I have started to reach out to N.I.D. Girl. After the Labor Day weekend I was sure she'd be full of stories. "And then there were hamburgers and I ate one. And then we saw clouds. And then we drove to buy Listerine at the store. And then I payed for the Listerine. I like the blue kind. The yellow kind hurts. Hurts my mouth. My mouth is on my head. My head is connected to my body by my neck. I once saw a man with a big neck. Where are my fingers? Oh, on my hand."
Instead she only had one story, which, granted she did tell everyone that came by her desk. "I watched my sister's kid and she was late. She said she was sorry. I didn't have anywhere to go, but I was still upset. The kid is a wild one."
This made me sad. The extent of her 3 day weekend was a little kid. The extent of my 3 day weekend was balloons, making out, statues, getting ripped and Seinfeld. Comparitively I win the weekend contest.
I realized that this woman doesn't have a boyfriend, or partner I guess I should say in the progressive and heavy sexual alternative lifestyle city of Seattle. Is being gay still considered "alternative"? Are the "Spin Doctors" still considered the same? Alternative, not gay.
Back to N.I.D. Girl. I couldn't help but feel sorry that this woman only has this job to come to and talk to C. from Washington Mutual about what is happening to her at that exact moment. Because, that exact moment is all this woman has. She doesn't have a dorky brother to make fun of and try to get drunk, she doesn't have someone to kiss and tell they are sexy, she doesn't have a Lovely Couple to play alternative (not gay or Spin Doctors) sports with.
So, I've started talking to her. And I've learned that if I speak to her I can stear the course of our conversations. It might be harsh to hear her voice but at least I hear "McDonalds is good" compared to "Boys are not the same as girls".
One thing she did say today that made me look up to see if it was actually true, because this is N.I.D. Girl we are talking about. "My ears are on fire". I was half expecting to see her ears fucking blazing when I looked up. Oh well, it's still funny to think about.
I am gross. I spent the night with R. Girl last night, dorkbabies. And that's all you get out of that. She's cute. There, there's a little tidbit of smut for your sick minds. Go read porn!
Anyways, I didn't want to leave this morning and calculated the Shower/Sleep ratio. You know, it's a highly mathematical formula where you figure out the number of hours since your last shower, factor in number of physically exerting things done and relative ratio of closeness to stinky stuff and then come out with a number (x) which is then compared to the ammount of time it takes to shower (y). If x is less than y there is no need to shower and sleep can continue.
However, now I feel gross and nervous about skipping out on work. I will shower and then watch Seinfeld or go play frisbee golf (which I've fallen out of rotation of the past couple of weeks).
I hope all of the dorks out there are good and healthy little dorks. I'm sorry I haven't written much in the past couple of days. I have been busy being caught up in the fun parts of a new relationship. You know, "Do you like Led Zeppelin" and "Is that a freckle?"
Later, dorks.
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