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8/14/2003

I have to tell you who I am if you don't know me. I could be ultra-alternative and say I don't believe in "getting to know you" stuff and ask you to judge me based on whatever else I do or don't do depending on what's considered hip by the alternative press. Or, I could tell you I like the color blue and was born in Iowa. Both of those things are for dorks. And we all know now that dorks don't rock. I do.
So, I'll tell you the things I do. Not things that I like to do, just a list of ten things I do throughout the day.
1.)I fantasize about sleeping with roughly 40 percent of the women I see. This gets weird when I'm at hospitals or drag shows.
2.)I chew Wrigley's Doublemint gum because one day I hope I run into my long lost twin and we're both chewing the gum at the same time. I'd call him B2 and we'd laugh forever about the "gum incident".
3.)I drink Pabst Blue Ribbon. Alot.
4.)When I know someone is coming over to visit I pretend to be watching the History Channel. When they walk in they think I'm smart when really I'd rather just watch "COPS".
5.)If I like a girl I always forget her name and have to make up nicknames. "Russian chick", "Gas station girl", "The one that likes the Beatles" are some examples from the past.
6.)I make faces at babies when no one is looking.
7.)I daydream about explosions and super spies.
8.)I play frisbee golf roughly 3 times a week.
9.)I don't eat microwave popcorn because I feel like I'm cheating on movie theater popcorn.
10.) I get disturbed when people drop foreign words into english sentences. Like this one time this guy kept saying "Try some of this champagne (but said it the french way "shom-pawn-ya"). I wanted to say "Why don't you just go-fuck-ya". We all know at least a little bit of a foreign language; so, stop trying to look like a Kennedy, you arrogant fuck. That's why we have the History Channel. period goes here
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